March 22, 2016
From Facebook. Missing my baby. Raw Feelings
It's just when you think you're starting to get a decent handle on life again- getting things done, being a better mom, that a song comes on and Addison can't quite remember where she's heard it. I suggested a few places she's probably heard it but she says "oh that was on the slideshow at Cash's funeral." Then you have to sit and listen to the words and the reality of our whole situation hits you all over again just like a sucker punch to the stomach. Then you can't stop thinking of how different life would be if Cash were still here and the tears just won't stop, right in the middle of our dinner at cafe rio and all the way home from Twin. No matter how distracted I keep myself reality always has a way of making it's way into my feelings. Sure wish I could just snuggle and hold my squishy little Cash tonight
.
Tuesday, August 9, 2016
Monday, May 2, 2016
Cash's last week
Cash almost seemed to know that his time on this earth was short. His last week was a pretty special one, and not for any huge particular reason.
One day I got the idea to go visit Grandpa Funk. Cash LOVED Grandpa Funk and was never scared of him like other babies were. We spent a good couple of hours just hanging out with Grandpa. This wasn't something we did often, but it felt right, so we did it.
Josh stopped by one day to take the kids on an adventure in the desert. I didn't plan on him taking Cash with him, but when Cash saw Josh come into the house, he quickly found his mud boots and adventure hat (to compliment his jammie shorts and shirt) and was ready to go before anyone else! Josh just scooped him up and took Cash too. He said he was perfect the whole time and enjoyed everything they did together. Cash loved Uncle Josh. He always knew there was a good adventure in store when Josh was around!
Jaime stopped by one day (I can't remember the reason). Again, Cash found his mud boots (and again was properly dressed in jammies) and climbed right into Jaime's arms. when she tried to put him down he squawked, grunted a little, and pointed to Jaime's car. She pretended to take him and he couldn't have been more content to go, so she just stole him for a few hours. She said at her house Cash walked up behind Kinley, wrapped his arms around her and gave her the biggest hug. Cash loved Kinley, and they were longtime buds. I think he knew he needed to tell her goodbye.
We did a few other special things that week. I remember feeling like a "good mom". We didn't do much TV time or napping or cleaning. We played a lot. Addison dressed him up with all of the "weird" things he had in his drawers (a church vest, a tie and a coon skin cap). He loved it. I remember going upstairs to check on a quiet Cash (usually a sign he was into the toilet paper) and found him in Brogan's room. The little people toys were scattered ALL OVER Brogan's room (Cash loved those toys). I remember how calm and happy he was to make horse noises, and line up all of the cars and animals in a row. I laid next to him on my stomach and tickled him with one of the animals. I can almost hear his sweet laugh again.
I seemed to get extra snuggles, but our Cashie was always a good snuggler. What I wouldn't give to scoop him up into my arms, rest his head on my shoulder, and run my fingers through his beautiful blond hair. I so miss that little boy.
One day I got the idea to go visit Grandpa Funk. Cash LOVED Grandpa Funk and was never scared of him like other babies were. We spent a good couple of hours just hanging out with Grandpa. This wasn't something we did often, but it felt right, so we did it.
Josh stopped by one day to take the kids on an adventure in the desert. I didn't plan on him taking Cash with him, but when Cash saw Josh come into the house, he quickly found his mud boots and adventure hat (to compliment his jammie shorts and shirt) and was ready to go before anyone else! Josh just scooped him up and took Cash too. He said he was perfect the whole time and enjoyed everything they did together. Cash loved Uncle Josh. He always knew there was a good adventure in store when Josh was around!
Jaime stopped by one day (I can't remember the reason). Again, Cash found his mud boots (and again was properly dressed in jammies) and climbed right into Jaime's arms. when she tried to put him down he squawked, grunted a little, and pointed to Jaime's car. She pretended to take him and he couldn't have been more content to go, so she just stole him for a few hours. She said at her house Cash walked up behind Kinley, wrapped his arms around her and gave her the biggest hug. Cash loved Kinley, and they were longtime buds. I think he knew he needed to tell her goodbye.
We did a few other special things that week. I remember feeling like a "good mom". We didn't do much TV time or napping or cleaning. We played a lot. Addison dressed him up with all of the "weird" things he had in his drawers (a church vest, a tie and a coon skin cap). He loved it. I remember going upstairs to check on a quiet Cash (usually a sign he was into the toilet paper) and found him in Brogan's room. The little people toys were scattered ALL OVER Brogan's room (Cash loved those toys). I remember how calm and happy he was to make horse noises, and line up all of the cars and animals in a row. I laid next to him on my stomach and tickled him with one of the animals. I can almost hear his sweet laugh again.
I seemed to get extra snuggles, but our Cashie was always a good snuggler. What I wouldn't give to scoop him up into my arms, rest his head on my shoulder, and run my fingers through his beautiful blond hair. I so miss that little boy.
Going Home
It's taken me a long time to be able to be okay enough to sit down and write the next part of our story. I miss Cash every day, and the more I think about him the harder it is for me to go on like life is normal. As terrible as it sounds and sometimes feels, it's easier to not think of Cash and the fact that he's not with us. It's easier to save those moments for when I'm alone and can sob in the comfort of my own lonely shower. As hard as it still is, I know I need to express all of my feelings, thoughts, and all the special things that happened, not only for me, but for my kids.
After we left Cash with the transplant team, we were escorted to the surgery waiting room where we removed our scrubs. It was so ironic that we were taken to this room. It seemed so familiar since we'd been here twice before to take our baby into surgery. How I longed for this to be nothing more than another surgery.
Our parents joined us here and we all cried together. There was nothing really special here (I think they just wanted us to have a place to compose ourselves) but I wanted to get back to my kids. They took us back to our family who was waiting in Cash's ICU room. All I can remember is sitting there feeling hollow and numb while everyone around us picked up our things, packed up bags and food and got ready to leave. It was like I was sitting in slow motion and everyone else was buzzing around with a life full of purpose. Pretty soon we were walking out of the hospital doors and into the parking lot. It was early morning and the sun was starting to come up. What a hollow feeling I had leaving the hospital. I was missing a huge part of me. He was back there, in the hospital somewhere. Since it was an accidental death, the coroner had to do a full report. Cash's body would be picked up later by someone from Farnsworth Funeral home and taken to Jerome.
*As a Sidenote* As soon as we determined that Cash was not going to make it we started thinking about funeral arrangements. Since both of our Father's are bishops they have a pretty close connection with the Funeral home directors around the Magic Valley. My dad is also very close friends with the Farnsworth family. When talk of a funeral first surfaced I honestly didn't care. I told him just to do it through the funeral home in Gooding, and to keep it simple. My Dad and Wally made some calls and priced things out. Honestly I couldn't have cared less about the cost, but our Dad's were watching out for us. When my Dad talked to Farnsworths, they were heartbroken, and offered to do the funeral at cost, with no extra expenses. In the long run they have done so much for us that goes above and beyond what I could have imagined. **
Stewart's brother Rick offered to drive us home from the hospital. Stewart, the kids and I loaded up into his suburban. I don't remember much except snuggling to sleep with the kids on the way home. The kids and I slept all the way home. I woke up as we pulled up to the house and a totally new hard hit me in the face. How could I go into this house and live like everything was normal? As I walked up the front steps I saw that someone had come by and put hearts all over our front door with kind sayings and uplifting messages. The house had been cleaned. The laundry that had previously littered the floor in real life fashion had not only been picked up and washed, but also folded and put away. There were more hearts inside the house, and everything was so clean that it didn't even feel like our house. Looking back I think that probably helped. After looking around for a minute I remember just collapsing into my mom's arms and sobbing. There was no way I was going to get things together, I just knew it. This wasn't something I was meant to endure. God only gives you the things you can handle, but this- this was not something I was going to be able to handle. I went straight to my bed and cried myself to sleep. My Mom and Dad took our kids home and Stewart and I huddled together under our covers, me crying and he trying to console me. I don't remember how long we slept, but when I woke up I felt so miserable. Like waking up from a bad nap, when you sleep too long and your body aches. I didn't want to be in our house anymore. I didn't want to be anywhere really. Everywhere just felt so lonely and empty. The thought flashed across my mind, "the temple". I had felt Cash's presence in the temple before, and I knew that was the closest I could be to him, and at that moment, he was all I wanted. We called our parents and I called Jaime and we went to the temple together.
I was still feeling so much guilt for not protecting my sweet, entrusted baby. It was a constant crushing feeling that my mind kept nagging back to. "This was my fault" "this could have never happened if only" "why didn't I do this or that". I kept all of these thoughts to myself, but they were eating me alive. As we got into the temple, it was obvious that I was a mess. I bawled and sobbed through the whole session. In that session, it hit me, so hard it almost knocked the wind out of me, that all of these guilty thoughts I kept thinking were Satan. He was using this to try and get to me and I couldn't let that happen. I had to be stronger than him, and almost vocally command him to leave! It seems to be such a small part of what we learn in the temple, but it will forever hold a place in my heart, to remember that Satan will try to appeal to us at first, but as soon as we give him a second thought, he will beat us when we're down. Since that moment in the temple when I realized that I have to actively recognize Satan, I do my best to send him away before I start beating myself up with negative thoughts. Each time I return to the temple it strengthens my testimony of being stronger than the adversary, and not even giving him so much as a heel to drag me down with.
In the temple we pray for people who are in need of special blessings. While I know our names were on the prayer roll in multiple temples, and surely in the Twin Falls temple, it struck me that the Temple Patron prayed specifically for the members in our session that needed extra comfort and protection. I remember when those words were spoken feeling like everyone around us knew us, knew our situation, loved us, and put their arms around us. I felt that Heavenly Father was trying to touch me directly and say, "It's okay. I've got you. Everything will be alright."
At the end of our session as we sat in the Celestial room with our parents and Steve and Jaime, I felt a little uplifted and close to Heaven. I was still sad, and the tears never seemed to let up, but so many good thoughts, feelings and words were shared in that Heavenly room. I'll never forget something my Dad shared with me then. He sat next to me and put his arm around me. He told me that Stewart and I had a real opportunity here that not many people get to experience. He understood that the feelings we were feeling, the loss and longing we were experiencing were not really pain, as we interpreted them. He told us we were able to experience the pure love of Christ. We were experiencing the love that Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father have for us. They feel this same longing and love for us, so strongly it feels as if it hurts. And although we were missing Cash and we would continue to miss him, we were experiencing a love so deep, it was comparable to that that our Heavenly Father has for us. Whenever I think that life isn't fair and that the hurt I feel is too great to endure, I try to remember this important experience I had in the temple, when my wise Father connected me more fully to my Savior and Heavenly Father. It really has made me see and feel the love they have for me. I won't ever forget this experience. I've always had a faith that my Heavenly Father and Savior Jesus Christ love me, but at that moment, I was able to fully understand and feel that pure love. A love so deep it can hurt.
After we left Cash with the transplant team, we were escorted to the surgery waiting room where we removed our scrubs. It was so ironic that we were taken to this room. It seemed so familiar since we'd been here twice before to take our baby into surgery. How I longed for this to be nothing more than another surgery.
Our parents joined us here and we all cried together. There was nothing really special here (I think they just wanted us to have a place to compose ourselves) but I wanted to get back to my kids. They took us back to our family who was waiting in Cash's ICU room. All I can remember is sitting there feeling hollow and numb while everyone around us picked up our things, packed up bags and food and got ready to leave. It was like I was sitting in slow motion and everyone else was buzzing around with a life full of purpose. Pretty soon we were walking out of the hospital doors and into the parking lot. It was early morning and the sun was starting to come up. What a hollow feeling I had leaving the hospital. I was missing a huge part of me. He was back there, in the hospital somewhere. Since it was an accidental death, the coroner had to do a full report. Cash's body would be picked up later by someone from Farnsworth Funeral home and taken to Jerome.
*As a Sidenote* As soon as we determined that Cash was not going to make it we started thinking about funeral arrangements. Since both of our Father's are bishops they have a pretty close connection with the Funeral home directors around the Magic Valley. My dad is also very close friends with the Farnsworth family. When talk of a funeral first surfaced I honestly didn't care. I told him just to do it through the funeral home in Gooding, and to keep it simple. My Dad and Wally made some calls and priced things out. Honestly I couldn't have cared less about the cost, but our Dad's were watching out for us. When my Dad talked to Farnsworths, they were heartbroken, and offered to do the funeral at cost, with no extra expenses. In the long run they have done so much for us that goes above and beyond what I could have imagined. **
Stewart's brother Rick offered to drive us home from the hospital. Stewart, the kids and I loaded up into his suburban. I don't remember much except snuggling to sleep with the kids on the way home. The kids and I slept all the way home. I woke up as we pulled up to the house and a totally new hard hit me in the face. How could I go into this house and live like everything was normal? As I walked up the front steps I saw that someone had come by and put hearts all over our front door with kind sayings and uplifting messages. The house had been cleaned. The laundry that had previously littered the floor in real life fashion had not only been picked up and washed, but also folded and put away. There were more hearts inside the house, and everything was so clean that it didn't even feel like our house. Looking back I think that probably helped. After looking around for a minute I remember just collapsing into my mom's arms and sobbing. There was no way I was going to get things together, I just knew it. This wasn't something I was meant to endure. God only gives you the things you can handle, but this- this was not something I was going to be able to handle. I went straight to my bed and cried myself to sleep. My Mom and Dad took our kids home and Stewart and I huddled together under our covers, me crying and he trying to console me. I don't remember how long we slept, but when I woke up I felt so miserable. Like waking up from a bad nap, when you sleep too long and your body aches. I didn't want to be in our house anymore. I didn't want to be anywhere really. Everywhere just felt so lonely and empty. The thought flashed across my mind, "the temple". I had felt Cash's presence in the temple before, and I knew that was the closest I could be to him, and at that moment, he was all I wanted. We called our parents and I called Jaime and we went to the temple together.
I was still feeling so much guilt for not protecting my sweet, entrusted baby. It was a constant crushing feeling that my mind kept nagging back to. "This was my fault" "this could have never happened if only" "why didn't I do this or that". I kept all of these thoughts to myself, but they were eating me alive. As we got into the temple, it was obvious that I was a mess. I bawled and sobbed through the whole session. In that session, it hit me, so hard it almost knocked the wind out of me, that all of these guilty thoughts I kept thinking were Satan. He was using this to try and get to me and I couldn't let that happen. I had to be stronger than him, and almost vocally command him to leave! It seems to be such a small part of what we learn in the temple, but it will forever hold a place in my heart, to remember that Satan will try to appeal to us at first, but as soon as we give him a second thought, he will beat us when we're down. Since that moment in the temple when I realized that I have to actively recognize Satan, I do my best to send him away before I start beating myself up with negative thoughts. Each time I return to the temple it strengthens my testimony of being stronger than the adversary, and not even giving him so much as a heel to drag me down with.
In the temple we pray for people who are in need of special blessings. While I know our names were on the prayer roll in multiple temples, and surely in the Twin Falls temple, it struck me that the Temple Patron prayed specifically for the members in our session that needed extra comfort and protection. I remember when those words were spoken feeling like everyone around us knew us, knew our situation, loved us, and put their arms around us. I felt that Heavenly Father was trying to touch me directly and say, "It's okay. I've got you. Everything will be alright."
At the end of our session as we sat in the Celestial room with our parents and Steve and Jaime, I felt a little uplifted and close to Heaven. I was still sad, and the tears never seemed to let up, but so many good thoughts, feelings and words were shared in that Heavenly room. I'll never forget something my Dad shared with me then. He sat next to me and put his arm around me. He told me that Stewart and I had a real opportunity here that not many people get to experience. He understood that the feelings we were feeling, the loss and longing we were experiencing were not really pain, as we interpreted them. He told us we were able to experience the pure love of Christ. We were experiencing the love that Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father have for us. They feel this same longing and love for us, so strongly it feels as if it hurts. And although we were missing Cash and we would continue to miss him, we were experiencing a love so deep, it was comparable to that that our Heavenly Father has for us. Whenever I think that life isn't fair and that the hurt I feel is too great to endure, I try to remember this important experience I had in the temple, when my wise Father connected me more fully to my Savior and Heavenly Father. It really has made me see and feel the love they have for me. I won't ever forget this experience. I've always had a faith that my Heavenly Father and Savior Jesus Christ love me, but at that moment, I was able to fully understand and feel that pure love. A love so deep it can hurt.
Monday, October 12, 2015
August 20, 2015
At some point that night everything became real. Nurses and doctors buzzed around. There was a sweet nurse who helped us get hand and foot prints of Cash. She made us the most beautiful canvas using Cash's feet and hand. She made a canvas for both kids, and made several embossed sets for any family who wanted them. They took castings of Cash's hand and foot. It was sweet of them to think of us, of Addison and Brogan in every way, and try to make them more comfortable. They gave the kids teddy bears, bags of activities, snacks, stickers, coloring books, anything my kids needed they accommodated them. They never shhhed us or asked us to keep it down. They never asked us to move or to leave. I can not speak highly enough of the doctors and nurses who were with us through this. They cared, and it showed.
Saying goodbye was an easy task for no one. This picture touched me so deeply. Cash loved Harrison from the minute he met him in the hospital. He always wanted to hold him and was so excited to see him. He melted my heart with the love and excitement he showed around babies, especially his sweet new cousin. I believe that these babies are so close to the veil and remember each other from our pre-mortal life. I even wonder if they remember that this was the plan. They seem to know so many things that we can't seem to comprehend.
Saying goodbye wasn't easy for Addison, or for Brogan.
Brogan laid here as long as he could. When they came to take Cash, Brogan wouldn't move. He cried and squirmed and fought us. He was so upset. Broke everyone's heart.
Our last family picture. This captures so much of what we were all feeling. None of us was ready to let Cash go. We all wanted a little longer with him.
When we walked into the operating room, Cash was lying on his special blankets they had given us upstairs. There were doctors all over the room, but I didn't look at a single one. I was too caught up in how I was going to spend my final moments with Cash. Looking back I wished I would have looked at them. I wish I would have really looked into their eyes and made sure they knew this was my baby. This was my son. He had my heart and for him to have to give it back this way was more than any parent should ever have to bear. I hoped they knew how hard this was. I hoped they took care of him once I left the room. I wanted them to know about all this boy had endured. I wanted to sit down and tell them about our Beautiful Boy. There was no time. Cash's heart was giving out and we had to get a move on. We were able to pick a song to be played while we held Cash. We Chose "The Family Is Of God". It was so special.
In the playroom someone helped Addison make matching bracelets for her and Cash.
They had beads that Said BFF T (I'm not sure what the T is for, but maybe it means together)
As the time drew nearer the closer I wanted to be to him. I had only got to hold him once since this all happened, and it was killing me. I just wanted to hold him. I wanted to feel like his Momma and not just some helpless human standing next to him. One of the nurses could see that. They helped move Cash so I could lie next to him in his bed. Since Cash's body couldn't regulate his own temperature, the hospital had to do it for him. As they warmed him up his body didn't know when to stop, so they had to cool him. At this point his temperature had risen and they were trying to cool him. I laid next to him with the fan blowing on both of us. It was ironic how cold the fan made me. It was so chilling to be next to him in this situation. I laid by him through the night. I slept a little, cried a lot, talked to him, touched him, felt his warm skin, ran my fingers through his beautifully perfect hair, and prepared for the hardest moment in my life.
Saying goodbye was an easy task for no one. This picture touched me so deeply. Cash loved Harrison from the minute he met him in the hospital. He always wanted to hold him and was so excited to see him. He melted my heart with the love and excitement he showed around babies, especially his sweet new cousin. I believe that these babies are so close to the veil and remember each other from our pre-mortal life. I even wonder if they remember that this was the plan. They seem to know so many things that we can't seem to comprehend.
Stewart and I would be allowed to go with Cash into the operating room and hold him after they removed his breathing tube and life support. They also allowed Jaime to come with us to take pictures. How thankful I am for this friend of mine. I've never met someone who gets me so well, or who loves and supports me so fully. She stayed in Boise through this entire experience. She so willingly did anything I needed. Somehow she knew to bring her camera. The fact that Jaime was next to me as Cash entered this world, was such an important person in his life, and was there as he left this world says so much about what she means to me. I've never had a better friend, and I love her so much for all she's done for me, and all that she's supported me through.
They took Cash downstairs and we had to wait upstairs until they were ready for us.
I can't tell you of the things that were going through my mind, or the things I said to Cash in that room. I remember his shallow weezy breath and that the time seemed too short. As he gave his last breaths I handed him back to the doctors and we left the room feeling so empty.
August 19, 2015
We left the hospital and went to Jenny's house to get Stewart's car. All the kids were there, and aunt JoAnna was there to take them home. I somehow managed to pull it together long enough to hug them and tell them JoAnna was taking them home and that everything was going to be ok. They asked questions, of which I don't remember, and that I didn't answer. I noticed Jenny's husband Tanner was there taking down all the decorations. I felt sincere concern for Jenny and Tanner. I hoped they knew how I felt about them. That the only person I was blaming at the time was me. That even though I didn't really know him, I wouldn't trade their friendship for anything.
As we walked into our house, I couldn't catch my breath. It was just as we left it- a beautiful mess. Cash's shoes were in the middle of the floor, clothes and toys scattered all over. His EE monkey was on the footstool. Our daily life was scattered everywhere and all I could think about is how this would never be the same mess again. I sat down with his EE and cried. I smelled it and tried to take it all in. I couldn't. Stewart buzzed around packing a bag to head out. My dad came. Stewart's parents came. The let-downs just kept coming. Every time I saw them I just felt so much guilt and pain. Here I was supposed to be taking care of their precious grand-baby, and I couldn't even do that simple thing. I hurt for them. I hurt for me. Both our Father's took the time to give us a blessing. They were beautiful, and all I can remember is feeling love from both my earthly Fathers, and my Father in Heaven.
Right after our blessings my Dad mentioned that one of the life flight members was friends with one of the Bingham boys. They said that Cash had some movements on the helicopter. That bolted me into action. I got up, got my clothes in a bag, threw some things into a bag and got moving. Maybe this was our miracle. Maybe it was just meant to get me moving.
Wally and Nancy drove us to Boise. It was a quiet car ride. No one talked much. We stopped at Mountain Home and I dry heaved in the bathroom. I felt so sick to my stomach. The drive felt like it took forever. By the time we got to the hospital Cash was settled in his room. The doctor there was a younger guy. He had big eyes and shaggy hair. He started off by stating that the odds of this type of thing are not good. 99% not good, and the 1% that survive, are not good. Again. I knew. It was like something was trying to lighten the blow by just letting me know. Maybe Heavenly Father knows that when I get my hopes up, they're high, and when they fall, it's a real crash. Maybe that's why I just knew when I did, at the very beginning, straight out of the water.
The doctor asked if we were spiritual. He wanted to pray with us. He put his hand on Cash's belly and prayed that things would work out the way they were supposed to, and that we would be okay with it, and that the doctors would do the best they could. I remember appreciating that prayer so much. It touched me that the doctor would call on God to help us all through this.
From a medical standpoint: Cash's heart started beating on it's own after about 30 minutes of resuscitation. His breathing was controlled by the machine he was hooked up to. On the life-flight his heart gave out, but they re-started it. By the time he was settled into Boise he had his own steady beat. They were trying to get his body temperature to rise with a heat blanket. They weren't sure if he had any brain activity (they couldn't rule it out) but he had no pupil activity. Thus began the waiting.
Jaime brought my kids and my brother and sister up. We had to explain to the kids what had happened. I don't remember how any of that went. It had to have been a divinely led conversation. Addison understood. She seemed to have an understanding of Heavenly Father and him needing our angels. Brogan wasn't so sure about it. The hospital provided a sleep room for our family. The first night the kids wouldn't go to bed without me. My dad and I took them and snuggled them till they slept. A few hours later I woke up and headed back to Cash. I walked into the room to find my little sister sleeping over Cash, holding his little hand. My brother Josh was sleeping so uncomfortably in an upright armchair, and my mom was curled up on the narrow window seat, covered by a few thin blankets. Stewart and Jaime were in the next room, similarly uncomfortable and trying to sleep. It was a sad and beautiful sight all at the same time. How lucky I was to have this family of mine surrounding me in my time of deepest heartache.
The Pediatric Intensive Care Unit (PICU) where we were was very accommodating to our family. They opened the door to the adjoining room, and told us we were welcome there until morning, or until they needed the room. In the morning they told us they would probably only allow 3 visitors at a time (since that is their policy) and that we'd only have the one room with Cash. But they never did kick us out of that room, or hold us to the 3 visitor limit.
The next day was a tough one, although I felt like I was empowered with an outside form of strength. Whenever my kids were there, I was able to hold myself together enough to be there for them. As visitors came I knew they were grieving along with me, so I tried to be ok enough for them. (Everyone who came genuinely loved Cash. There was just something about that boy that made everyone want to be around him. I knew they would miss him too). When people weren't around, or whenever I was being held or consoled by my Mom or Dad or Stewart, I allowed myself to let go of the "tough" and just feel what I needed to feel. I felt so much guilt. So much loss. And so much heartache. I didn't know how to imagine life without my baby. I remember sitting next to my dad. He had his arm around me and I was sobbing. I was just feeling so heartbroken. I muttered to him, "this is just such a terrible thing. It shouldn't have happened. I'm so heartbroken. I've never felt pain like this. What a terrible thing". My dad sat quietly for a minute and let me sob before he said anything, but replied, "ya know, this isn't so terrible. It's not, because you know that Heavenly Father always has a plan. You know where that little boy is going, and you know you can be with him again someday". That really sank into my heart. That was all too true. I do have a testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ. I do believe in Eternal Families, and I also know that because of the sealing power of my temple marriage, I will be with Cash forever. That was the first solid, comforting advice my dad gave, with many to come.
Stewart and my mom were the only two I felt comfortable sharing my guilt with. I knew that they would both understand a parent's responsibility and sense of guilt, but also that they would tell me not to think that way. I think they both did just that. They understood, but they didn't allow it. I even knew that I couldn't feel guilty, or place blame on anyone, but that doesn't mean I didn't blame myself. The whole time in the hospital it was all I could do to apologize to my precious baby that lay ever so still in that bed. It did feel like my fault, and no one could have made me feel differently.
The days and nights in the hospital seemed to mesh together. It seemed like one big long, exhausting day. Through the mess of it all we had so many family and friends come. Throughout the time we were there we had a steady stream of friends and loved ones that came to see us, and ultimately say goodbye to Cash. Jaime and Steve, Lee and Beca and all their kids, Rick and Debi and their kids, Spencer, Micah and Lindy and their kids, Dorothy came up and brought the kids, Jon and Lisa came. Audry, Bruce, Bryce, Krista and Brian. My Grandma and Grandpa Jensen, Grandpa Funk, Sandy and Kerri Craig, Aunt Bonnie came and brought lunch for everyone at the hospital. Kelly Midbust (came in the middle of the night when we got there). Misty Wood, Danielle Lofgran, All of the Cristopherson families came. Jordon and Sharon Braga. Amy and Lizzie Winmill, my gym girls- Gentry Whittle, Amy and Rylee Dunn, Laura Bunn, Rachel Diamond. Austin and Sydnee Rasmussen, Kelly Bauman, Rosa and CJ Beadz, Penny and Dave Swarner. I'm even sure I'm forgetting someone. There were so many people there. It felt good to have them around us. It felt good to feel loved. I know there were so many people who were planning on coming the next day, but as the evening came, the decision we had to make became more clear.
Cash had several brain scans to determine his brain function. They came back and concluded that he had enough function to keep his heart beating, and that was about it. The simple way they explained it was that the brain has two "levels". One is what makes you who you are, your thoughts, memories, personality. The second is breathing, and heartbeat kind of stuff. when the brain is traumatized, it does everything it can to keep the body alive. So Cash had the smallest amount of brain function keeping his heart beating, but the rest of him was ultimately gone. I think the doctors were well-meaning as they tried to give us a little hope in waiting for things to change, but I knew. Stewart knew. After the doctor had given us the results of the brain scans, and given us the ultimate outcome Stewart and I spent a few minutes alone with Cash in his little room. We talked with each other and cried with each other. Our family and friends were in the hall, ready to comfort us. We decided that no saving miracles were going to happen, and that maybe our miracle had already come and it was simply his time to go home. We decided to take him off life support. We also decided that if possible Cash should be an organ donor. They decided to give the transplant team notice and have them take Cash in the morning. Late into the night though Cash's heart started beating very irregularly. The doctors didn't know how long it would be able to stand that fast pace, and moved up the transplant. The team was on their way and would be there at 3 in the morning.
As we walked into our house, I couldn't catch my breath. It was just as we left it- a beautiful mess. Cash's shoes were in the middle of the floor, clothes and toys scattered all over. His EE monkey was on the footstool. Our daily life was scattered everywhere and all I could think about is how this would never be the same mess again. I sat down with his EE and cried. I smelled it and tried to take it all in. I couldn't. Stewart buzzed around packing a bag to head out. My dad came. Stewart's parents came. The let-downs just kept coming. Every time I saw them I just felt so much guilt and pain. Here I was supposed to be taking care of their precious grand-baby, and I couldn't even do that simple thing. I hurt for them. I hurt for me. Both our Father's took the time to give us a blessing. They were beautiful, and all I can remember is feeling love from both my earthly Fathers, and my Father in Heaven.
Right after our blessings my Dad mentioned that one of the life flight members was friends with one of the Bingham boys. They said that Cash had some movements on the helicopter. That bolted me into action. I got up, got my clothes in a bag, threw some things into a bag and got moving. Maybe this was our miracle. Maybe it was just meant to get me moving.
Wally and Nancy drove us to Boise. It was a quiet car ride. No one talked much. We stopped at Mountain Home and I dry heaved in the bathroom. I felt so sick to my stomach. The drive felt like it took forever. By the time we got to the hospital Cash was settled in his room. The doctor there was a younger guy. He had big eyes and shaggy hair. He started off by stating that the odds of this type of thing are not good. 99% not good, and the 1% that survive, are not good. Again. I knew. It was like something was trying to lighten the blow by just letting me know. Maybe Heavenly Father knows that when I get my hopes up, they're high, and when they fall, it's a real crash. Maybe that's why I just knew when I did, at the very beginning, straight out of the water.
The doctor asked if we were spiritual. He wanted to pray with us. He put his hand on Cash's belly and prayed that things would work out the way they were supposed to, and that we would be okay with it, and that the doctors would do the best they could. I remember appreciating that prayer so much. It touched me that the doctor would call on God to help us all through this.
The Pediatric Intensive Care Unit (PICU) where we were was very accommodating to our family. They opened the door to the adjoining room, and told us we were welcome there until morning, or until they needed the room. In the morning they told us they would probably only allow 3 visitors at a time (since that is their policy) and that we'd only have the one room with Cash. But they never did kick us out of that room, or hold us to the 3 visitor limit.
Stewart and my mom were the only two I felt comfortable sharing my guilt with. I knew that they would both understand a parent's responsibility and sense of guilt, but also that they would tell me not to think that way. I think they both did just that. They understood, but they didn't allow it. I even knew that I couldn't feel guilty, or place blame on anyone, but that doesn't mean I didn't blame myself. The whole time in the hospital it was all I could do to apologize to my precious baby that lay ever so still in that bed. It did feel like my fault, and no one could have made me feel differently.
August 18, 2015
This might be one of the hardest posts I will ever write. It is my deepest hope that I can write in a way that will be helpful to myself, my family, and perhaps even future generations. I hope I can recount the good and the bad of those days- and even weeks, in a way that does justice to my sweet boy, my friends and family, my dear husband, and to my Heavenly Father. I've started to write this post a million times, but have never had the courage to finish. This whole experience has been so surreal. It's been the hardest thing I've ever had to endure.
My best friend Jaime turned 30 this year. All year long I've looked forward to doing something BIG for her 30th birthday. I started thinking on it in June and decided we needed to do a big surprise party, invite all her friends and make it super fun. In July Sandy helped me decide on an 80's neon theme. We talked about doing it at bass lake, at a park, and half-halfheartedly decided to do it in Jaime's shop. It was going to take some serious work to get her out of the house long enough for us to clean and decorate, and not be noticed. This summer Addison met a new little friend Mya and she went over to her house to play. I picked her up one day and just gawked at Jenny's back yard. I didn't even really know Jenny that well, but I just blurted out anyway, "Oh my heck! Can we have Jaime's surprise party here?!" (Jenny is one of the sweetest people I know). Even though I'm sure I know what she was thinking, she totally went along with it like it was no big deal. (She's seriously so nice!) A group of us (Rachel, Ali, Jenny, Sandy) started hammering out the details of the party. Food, decorations, cake, music, invitations. It was going to be SO awesome! We told Jaime we were going to dress up and go to skate land (which she totally bought). (BTW-I'm not sure how we all managed to keep that secret for so long, but way to go us. She had no idea!).
So the day of the party arrived, and I recruited Stewart to come help set up and decorate. Rachel and Jenny were there. We set up a shade tent, decorated the porch, talked about the party, all while the kids played in the back yard and in the house. Cash spent most of the day inside with Nora. I remember Jenny went inside and even got him his own sippy cup of milk. After a little while I was doing a normal kid head count and Cash wasn't around. I went in the house to look for him, but he wasn't there. Jenny and the kids started looking for him. A little Panicked at the thought of the irrigation ditch at the far end of the yard I went there first, but there was no sign of him, so I was sure he was in the front of the house, or maybe even in the house. We ran around the yard and in the house yelling, but no Cash. Jenny ran back to the ditch. I could tell she was freaking out. I'm not really a "freak out mom". She took her shoes off and jumped right in. I thought to myself, "there's no way he can be in here, that kind of stuff doesn't happen to us". I scanned up and down the ditch a ways and still didn't see anything to be alarmed about, until Jenny held up Cash's sippy cup. We both went into panic mode. My heart sank into my stomach and I felt so sick. I took off my shoes and jumped in the water. We started scraping around in the water, being sure to comb under the sides of the bank. We were both screaming and panicking when Jenny stopped, "we need to pray". We immediately folded our arms and Jenny said a quick and immediate prayer. We went back to looking through the water. I screamed out Cash's name and begged my Heavenly Father to not let this be happening to me. I hoped so hard that Cash was running around somewhere we hadn't looked, and this all would be over. After going down the ditch too far, I ran into a bridge. I pushed water through it so violently, just in case something was under there. Nothing. At that point I got out and started running down the bank screaming Cash's name. My eyes were so far ahead of my feet when I saw him. I screamed for Jenny to call 911. I will never unsee that. His little orange shirt, and his black shoes. I jumped in, grabbed my baby and got out. He was so blue. His eyes were open. He was so lifeless. I knew. I knew he was gone. I didn't know what to do, but I immediately started doing CPR. I just pushed on his little chest and screamed for Jenny to get the ambulance here and for this not to happen. I started breathing in his mouth and milk started coming out his nose. I gagged at the smell, but didn't stop. We tried to get water out of him, then went back to CPR. The sheriff got there just before the ambulance. It just seemed that when I looked up the ambulance was driving through the neighbor's field. They came right to us. The EMT's took over and I stood there, useless. I was sopping wet, barefooted, and I just remember feeling so helpless. What a terrible feeling. I got in the ambulance and as we were driving it was all I could do to sit there and cry. I prayed and I cried.
When we got to the hospital they took me to a room. I just sat down and cried. My old neighbor (who works at the hospital) came in and was just shocked. I remember she asked me what happened and all I could do was shake my head. She asked who I wanted to call: no one. I didn't want anyone to know, didn't want anyone to see what a terrible mother I was. Stewart got there not long after me. I broke down in his arms just crying and mumbling, "Cash- he's gone- he drowned-I'm so sorry-it's my fault". I will never forget the feeling of having to tell Stewart that I'd let him down. That I'd failed at my job as a mother. I felt so empty. I felt so useless. I just wanted to disappear. Stewart's first thought was that Cash needed a blessing. They told us they would let us as soon as we could. Slowly my Mom came, and my dad, then Stewart's parents. I remember Austin Rassmasen came into our little room. As soon as my eyes saw him I just felt let down again. Not him. I didn't want him to know. He has his own little blond hair blue eyed baby at home, not much younger than Cash. This was going to kill him too. I prepared for the worst. He was very calm as he said that they managed to get his heart started, and a breathing tube placed. He took us to see Cash. He looked ok, but I knew that Cash went a long time without oxygen. Unless we got some kind of a huge miracle, this wasn't going to be good. They were sending Cash to Boise via life-flight. My first thought was that I wanted to go with him. I needed to be with him. The doctors didn't really give us a clear answer of what was going to happen (how could they, they all knew the reality of it). At that point I was hoping, even praying for a miracle. I had the faith. I knew miracles happen all the time. Before the life-flight crew was ready to take Cash I saw Austin very calmly go to Cash and check his pupils. There was no response, and as I saw Austin's shoulder's sink just the slightest bit, I knew. Again. I knew. He was gone. At that moment I no longer wanted to go on the helicopter with Cash. I knew that I needed to be with Stewart. I asked my mom to go be with Cash and she did. We left the hospital and there were all kinds of people outside- our bishop, Cody, Rachel, Doug. In a state of shock, we hugged them all and went to the car. We had to get to Boise.
My best friend Jaime turned 30 this year. All year long I've looked forward to doing something BIG for her 30th birthday. I started thinking on it in June and decided we needed to do a big surprise party, invite all her friends and make it super fun. In July Sandy helped me decide on an 80's neon theme. We talked about doing it at bass lake, at a park, and half-halfheartedly decided to do it in Jaime's shop. It was going to take some serious work to get her out of the house long enough for us to clean and decorate, and not be noticed. This summer Addison met a new little friend Mya and she went over to her house to play. I picked her up one day and just gawked at Jenny's back yard. I didn't even really know Jenny that well, but I just blurted out anyway, "Oh my heck! Can we have Jaime's surprise party here?!" (Jenny is one of the sweetest people I know). Even though I'm sure I know what she was thinking, she totally went along with it like it was no big deal. (She's seriously so nice!) A group of us (Rachel, Ali, Jenny, Sandy) started hammering out the details of the party. Food, decorations, cake, music, invitations. It was going to be SO awesome! We told Jaime we were going to dress up and go to skate land (which she totally bought). (BTW-I'm not sure how we all managed to keep that secret for so long, but way to go us. She had no idea!).
So the day of the party arrived, and I recruited Stewart to come help set up and decorate. Rachel and Jenny were there. We set up a shade tent, decorated the porch, talked about the party, all while the kids played in the back yard and in the house. Cash spent most of the day inside with Nora. I remember Jenny went inside and even got him his own sippy cup of milk. After a little while I was doing a normal kid head count and Cash wasn't around. I went in the house to look for him, but he wasn't there. Jenny and the kids started looking for him. A little Panicked at the thought of the irrigation ditch at the far end of the yard I went there first, but there was no sign of him, so I was sure he was in the front of the house, or maybe even in the house. We ran around the yard and in the house yelling, but no Cash. Jenny ran back to the ditch. I could tell she was freaking out. I'm not really a "freak out mom". She took her shoes off and jumped right in. I thought to myself, "there's no way he can be in here, that kind of stuff doesn't happen to us". I scanned up and down the ditch a ways and still didn't see anything to be alarmed about, until Jenny held up Cash's sippy cup. We both went into panic mode. My heart sank into my stomach and I felt so sick. I took off my shoes and jumped in the water. We started scraping around in the water, being sure to comb under the sides of the bank. We were both screaming and panicking when Jenny stopped, "we need to pray". We immediately folded our arms and Jenny said a quick and immediate prayer. We went back to looking through the water. I screamed out Cash's name and begged my Heavenly Father to not let this be happening to me. I hoped so hard that Cash was running around somewhere we hadn't looked, and this all would be over. After going down the ditch too far, I ran into a bridge. I pushed water through it so violently, just in case something was under there. Nothing. At that point I got out and started running down the bank screaming Cash's name. My eyes were so far ahead of my feet when I saw him. I screamed for Jenny to call 911. I will never unsee that. His little orange shirt, and his black shoes. I jumped in, grabbed my baby and got out. He was so blue. His eyes were open. He was so lifeless. I knew. I knew he was gone. I didn't know what to do, but I immediately started doing CPR. I just pushed on his little chest and screamed for Jenny to get the ambulance here and for this not to happen. I started breathing in his mouth and milk started coming out his nose. I gagged at the smell, but didn't stop. We tried to get water out of him, then went back to CPR. The sheriff got there just before the ambulance. It just seemed that when I looked up the ambulance was driving through the neighbor's field. They came right to us. The EMT's took over and I stood there, useless. I was sopping wet, barefooted, and I just remember feeling so helpless. What a terrible feeling. I got in the ambulance and as we were driving it was all I could do to sit there and cry. I prayed and I cried.
When we got to the hospital they took me to a room. I just sat down and cried. My old neighbor (who works at the hospital) came in and was just shocked. I remember she asked me what happened and all I could do was shake my head. She asked who I wanted to call: no one. I didn't want anyone to know, didn't want anyone to see what a terrible mother I was. Stewart got there not long after me. I broke down in his arms just crying and mumbling, "Cash- he's gone- he drowned-I'm so sorry-it's my fault". I will never forget the feeling of having to tell Stewart that I'd let him down. That I'd failed at my job as a mother. I felt so empty. I felt so useless. I just wanted to disappear. Stewart's first thought was that Cash needed a blessing. They told us they would let us as soon as we could. Slowly my Mom came, and my dad, then Stewart's parents. I remember Austin Rassmasen came into our little room. As soon as my eyes saw him I just felt let down again. Not him. I didn't want him to know. He has his own little blond hair blue eyed baby at home, not much younger than Cash. This was going to kill him too. I prepared for the worst. He was very calm as he said that they managed to get his heart started, and a breathing tube placed. He took us to see Cash. He looked ok, but I knew that Cash went a long time without oxygen. Unless we got some kind of a huge miracle, this wasn't going to be good. They were sending Cash to Boise via life-flight. My first thought was that I wanted to go with him. I needed to be with him. The doctors didn't really give us a clear answer of what was going to happen (how could they, they all knew the reality of it). At that point I was hoping, even praying for a miracle. I had the faith. I knew miracles happen all the time. Before the life-flight crew was ready to take Cash I saw Austin very calmly go to Cash and check his pupils. There was no response, and as I saw Austin's shoulder's sink just the slightest bit, I knew. Again. I knew. He was gone. At that moment I no longer wanted to go on the helicopter with Cash. I knew that I needed to be with Stewart. I asked my mom to go be with Cash and she did. We left the hospital and there were all kinds of people outside- our bishop, Cody, Rachel, Doug. In a state of shock, we hugged them all and went to the car. We had to get to Boise.
Monday, October 5, 2015
Speech Therapy
12 weeks ago Cash started going to speech therapy. His speech therapist would help determine if he needed another surgery in the near future. The first appointment we went to Cash ROCKED! He made so many noises just playing with "Ms. Shelley" his speech therapist. He said his same old things, and even did so many new things for her! In the 4 weeks that we went he had his good days and his bad, but he was always so happy to be there. He loved playing "Tato" head and driving the car. His favorite was to stack these little blocks and knock them over with a car. He was supposed to say "go go go go" but it just sounded like a little growl. The cutest thing ever! The first week Ms. Shelley was so impressed with the way he moved air she was sure he wouldn't need another surgery anytime soon. It's common for kids to sound nasally, and to not push air out their nose, but Cash did everything so outstanding, she was sure he would be fine. He was to go once a week until she decided we could cut back. He rocked it though! So proud of my little man.
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