August 20, 2015

At some point that night everything became real.  Nurses and doctors buzzed around.  There was a sweet nurse who helped us get hand and foot prints of Cash.  She made us the most beautiful canvas using Cash's feet and hand.  She made a canvas for both kids, and made several embossed sets for any family who wanted them.  They took castings of Cash's hand and foot.  It was sweet of them to think of us, of Addison and Brogan in every way, and try to make them more comfortable.  They gave the kids teddy bears, bags of activities, snacks, stickers, coloring books, anything my kids needed they accommodated them.  They never shhhed us or asked us to keep it down.  They never asked us to move or to leave.  I can not speak highly enough of the doctors and nurses who were with us through this.  They cared, and it showed.

In the playroom someone helped Addison make matching bracelets for her and Cash.  

They had beads that Said BFF T (I'm not sure what the T is for, but maybe it means together)

As the time drew nearer the closer I wanted to be to him.  I had only got to hold him once since this all happened, and it was killing me.  I just wanted to hold him.  I wanted to feel like his Momma and not just some helpless human standing next to him.  One of the nurses could see that.  They helped move Cash so I could lie next to him in his bed.  Since Cash's body couldn't regulate his own temperature, the hospital had to do it for him.  As they warmed him up his body didn't know when to stop, so they had to cool him.  At this point his temperature had risen and they were trying to cool him.  I laid next to him with the fan blowing on both of us.  It was ironic how cold the fan made me.  It was so chilling to be next to him in this situation.  I laid by him through the night.  I slept a little, cried a lot, talked to him, touched him, felt his warm skin, ran my fingers through his beautifully perfect hair, and prepared for the hardest moment in my life.

 Saying goodbye was an easy task for no one.  This picture touched me so deeply.  Cash loved Harrison from the minute he met him in the hospital.  He always wanted to hold him and was so excited to see him.  He melted my heart with the love and excitement he showed around babies, especially his sweet new cousin.  I believe that these babies are so close to the veil and remember each other from our pre-mortal life.  I even wonder if they remember that this was the plan.  They seem to know so many things that we can't seem to comprehend.

Stewart and I would be allowed to go with Cash into the operating room and hold him after they removed his breathing tube and life support.  They also allowed Jaime to come with us to take pictures. How thankful I am for this friend of mine.  I've never met someone who gets me so well, or who loves and supports me so fully.  She stayed in Boise through this entire experience.  She so willingly did anything I needed.  Somehow she knew to bring her camera.  The fact that Jaime was next to me as Cash entered this world, was such an important person in his life, and was there as he left this world says so much about what she means to me.  I've never had a better friend, and I love her so much for all she's done for me, and all that she's supported me through.

  

 Saying goodbye wasn't easy for Addison, or for Brogan.

 Brogan laid here as long as he could.  When they came to take Cash, Brogan wouldn't move.  He cried and squirmed and fought us.  He was so upset.  Broke everyone's heart.

 Our last family picture.  This captures so much of what we were all feeling.  None of us was ready to let Cash go.  We all wanted a little longer with him.

They took Cash downstairs and we had to wait upstairs until they were ready for us. 

 When we walked into the operating room, Cash was lying on his special blankets they had given us upstairs.  There were doctors all over the room, but I didn't look at a single one.  I was too caught up in how I was going to spend my final moments with Cash.  Looking back I wished I would have looked at them.  I wish I would have really looked into their eyes and made sure they knew this was my baby.  This was my son.  He had my heart and for him to have to give it back this way was more than any parent should ever have to bear.  I hoped they knew how hard this was.  I hoped they took care of him once I left the room.  I wanted them to know about all this boy had endured.  I wanted to sit down and tell them about our Beautiful Boy.  There was no time.  Cash's heart was giving out and we had to get a move on. We were able to pick a song to be played while we held Cash.  We Chose "The Family Is Of God".  It was so special.

I can't tell you of the things that were going through my mind, or the things I said to Cash in that room.  I remember his shallow weezy breath and that the time seemed too short.  As he gave his last breaths I handed him back to the doctors and we left the room feeling so empty.