*Let me just say, that anytime a doctor/nurse/surgeon/receptionist knows that your baby has a cleft lip, they treat you (as a mom) way differently than with a "normal" pregnancy. They are sweet and caring, very careful with the words they use, and it's like they're all waiting for me to lose it. EVERY different doctor we've seen (because I go to the group where you basically see a new one every time) gives their explanation of how we're formed, why this happened, how common it actually is, how fixable it is.... yatta yatta yatta... all the while, intently searching my face for signs of a mental breakdown. While I do understand that some Mom's probably still do have a hard time accepting it at this point, and providers do need to be cautious of their feelings, I've gotten to a point where it's starting to drive me crazy! When I tell you that my only real concern is that making sure I can feed him, THAT is my only real concern... like, for real.
Okay- rant over :)
.
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
October 18th Ultrasound
Since my fluid was high at the Boise ultrasound, and I was still measuring two weeks bigger than normal at my last OB appointment, they decided to do one more ultrasound, just to check things out. Everything was great, fluid levels normal (on the higher end, but normal) and we were back to business as usual... a stubborn little boy wouldn't take his hand away from his face! Even though we didn't see anything new, we did get to see our adorable little baby (who actually looks like a baby, and not an alien!:) With his perfect little nose (that looks just like his brother and sister's), chubby little cheeks, and the cutest little chin ever, I was just beyond excited to get another chance to see him. Can't wait to finally meet you baby Cash!!
What's in a name?
It can be HARD to pick out a name for a baby. After all- this kid will be stuck with this name (and all the nicknames that might attach to it) for the rest of his life! We had already picked out Addison and Brogan's names long before they were even planned, but with baby #3 we were totally starting from scratch. We went through and it seemed I had picked out a new name every week, but finally we narrowed it down to a few different names, which included Mason, Connor, Colton, and Grayson. (BTW- if you asked Addison what she wanted to name our baby boy, her reply was Cindy...) The only problem is that we couldn't really find any middle names that worked with these names, AND Stewart and I couldn't agree on annnything together.
Somehow, the name Cash was brought about and we both kind of liked it. Then we added a middle name, Wallace- which is Stewart's Dad's name. (Stewart really wanted to name one of our babies Wally- and while I don't mind the name, I just can't quite picture myself holding a little "baby Wally"). We finally agreed that "Cash Wallace" has a pretty great little ring to it, and while it's a pretty strong name, it's not too "heavy". Before we really decided that he was going to be Cash Wallace, the kids did for us. We asked them what they thought about it, and ever since they've been talking to "baby Cash" inside my belly. So baby Cash, you dodged a bullet... we won't name you Cindy :)
Monday, October 28, 2013
Genetic Specialist/Counselor
Our appointment day with the Genetic specialist had finally arrived. We made the drive to Boise and waited to meet with the nurse who would be doing our ultrasound. It was a good thing she was pretty cool, because we spent the next two and a half hours with her while she took pictures of our baby! At first it was business as usual... our baby boy was shy and hiding. His little hand didn't move from his face, and he kicked away at the ultrasound stick. After he finally got used to all the poking and prodding he sort of gave in and cooperated. We were able to see that he had a bi-lateral cleft lip, and although they couldn't tell how extensive, it did look like the cleft continued into the pallet of his mouth.
The rest of the ultrasound appointment consisted of checking literally, every. little. part. of our baby. They told us that sometimes when there is a cleft lip it can also be a sign of other problems that are harder to spot (genetic disorders type things). They checked to make sure he opened and closed his hands normally, that his feet weren't rounded (like a rocking chair on the bottom), and that his brain and other organs looked to be normal. Everything they looked at checked out just fine. Even though lying on your back, having someone push around on your little baby inside your belly for two hours isn't exactly enjoyable, I enjoyed the appointment very much. It was so neat to be able to really watch him do his thing. At a 20 week ultrasound you get maybe 10 minutes where it's like you get to look through a window and see your baby for real. Let me tell you it was pretty stinkin cool to be able to look through that window for over two hours!
The only other concern at this appointment had to deal with the amount of amniotic fluid I had surrounding the baby. Instead of measuring normal for 26 weeks, I was measuring closer to 30 weeks. They decided this was probably because with the cleft lip it was harder for baby to suck in the fluid (they recycle it through their body). Instead of taking a gulp (like with a sealed lip), it just wasn't getting sucked in like normal. When there's too much fluid they worry about pre-term labor (because my body could think I'm further along than I really am). (On the flip side with too much fluid my body could do the exact opposite and never start itself into labor... even after 40 weeks). This was just something to keep our eye on (and also- the reason I was SO BIG, SO EARLY!)
After meeting briefly with the doctor, we met with a genetic counselor who drew up Stewart and I's genetic history. It was quite the little art demonstration. We gave her our complete family's history for everything under the sun. They mostly just checked to make sure there weren't any obvious genetic disorders in our families that could be linked to a cleft lip. (We're good). Besides lots of high blood pressure our families we are pretty boring (and when at a doctor's office, they always tell me boring is good).
The counselor gave us some good information and websites to look into if we wanted more information (seriously... don't google it, use the resources... a world of difference!) The only other thing she really brought to our attention were some of the possibilities, some of which had never even crossed my mind. If we were dealing with a pallet issue there would be other factors to take into consideration. In a cleft pallet the the top of the mouth is not completely sealed off, so it's open to the nasal cavity, sinuses, and all that other stuff that's up there. That poses obvious feeding issues, but can also affect hearing, and how susceptible he is to getting infection. Also if in the pallet, there is a chance of it disturbing the regular growth of teeth and gums. Of course there's a whole wide spectrum ranging from normal teeth growth, to never getting any teeth in the front. All these types of things are things you don't really think about being affected (at least I didn't). Basically if the pallet is involved, it will take more than one or two surgeries to fix things. He could be having surgeries well into his teenage years. BUT- that's part of this adventure- not knowing and not worrying about the unknown! We'll cross those bridges when we get there. It was good however, just to have an idea of possible outcomes.
After that appointment we went out and splurged on lunch at Joe's Crab Shack (I just can't get enough fish), then headed to the Boise Temple. It was the first time I'd been to the Boise Temple, and also the first time I'd seen the new temple video. Holy Moly- I couldn't believe how much more emotion was in it. I wasn't sure if it was because of this whole experience I was going through, or the new video, but I felt so much love and admiration for Eve. I looked at things in different ways and was really overcome with new understanding and emotion. At the veil, the words I spoke rang so vital and reassuring to me, I almost couldn't get through it. It was a small session, and I was the last person to leave so all the workers watched me as I completely lost it. I literally had to stop and just sob out the words. Poor Stewart. I have to just wonder if he waits for me on the couch in the Celestial Room, terrified of what emotional state his wife is coming to meet him in... HAHA! I think he wasn't quite sure how to react to his mess of a wife, but as always he just smiled and hugged me and didn't ask why I couldn't control my boogers and tears. He's such a stud. :)
The rest of the ultrasound appointment consisted of checking literally, every. little. part. of our baby. They told us that sometimes when there is a cleft lip it can also be a sign of other problems that are harder to spot (genetic disorders type things). They checked to make sure he opened and closed his hands normally, that his feet weren't rounded (like a rocking chair on the bottom), and that his brain and other organs looked to be normal. Everything they looked at checked out just fine. Even though lying on your back, having someone push around on your little baby inside your belly for two hours isn't exactly enjoyable, I enjoyed the appointment very much. It was so neat to be able to really watch him do his thing. At a 20 week ultrasound you get maybe 10 minutes where it's like you get to look through a window and see your baby for real. Let me tell you it was pretty stinkin cool to be able to look through that window for over two hours!
The only other concern at this appointment had to deal with the amount of amniotic fluid I had surrounding the baby. Instead of measuring normal for 26 weeks, I was measuring closer to 30 weeks. They decided this was probably because with the cleft lip it was harder for baby to suck in the fluid (they recycle it through their body). Instead of taking a gulp (like with a sealed lip), it just wasn't getting sucked in like normal. When there's too much fluid they worry about pre-term labor (because my body could think I'm further along than I really am). (On the flip side with too much fluid my body could do the exact opposite and never start itself into labor... even after 40 weeks). This was just something to keep our eye on (and also- the reason I was SO BIG, SO EARLY!)
After meeting briefly with the doctor, we met with a genetic counselor who drew up Stewart and I's genetic history. It was quite the little art demonstration. We gave her our complete family's history for everything under the sun. They mostly just checked to make sure there weren't any obvious genetic disorders in our families that could be linked to a cleft lip. (We're good). Besides lots of high blood pressure our families we are pretty boring (and when at a doctor's office, they always tell me boring is good).
The counselor gave us some good information and websites to look into if we wanted more information (seriously... don't google it, use the resources... a world of difference!) The only other thing she really brought to our attention were some of the possibilities, some of which had never even crossed my mind. If we were dealing with a pallet issue there would be other factors to take into consideration. In a cleft pallet the the top of the mouth is not completely sealed off, so it's open to the nasal cavity, sinuses, and all that other stuff that's up there. That poses obvious feeding issues, but can also affect hearing, and how susceptible he is to getting infection. Also if in the pallet, there is a chance of it disturbing the regular growth of teeth and gums. Of course there's a whole wide spectrum ranging from normal teeth growth, to never getting any teeth in the front. All these types of things are things you don't really think about being affected (at least I didn't). Basically if the pallet is involved, it will take more than one or two surgeries to fix things. He could be having surgeries well into his teenage years. BUT- that's part of this adventure- not knowing and not worrying about the unknown! We'll cross those bridges when we get there. It was good however, just to have an idea of possible outcomes.
After that appointment we went out and splurged on lunch at Joe's Crab Shack (I just can't get enough fish), then headed to the Boise Temple. It was the first time I'd been to the Boise Temple, and also the first time I'd seen the new temple video. Holy Moly- I couldn't believe how much more emotion was in it. I wasn't sure if it was because of this whole experience I was going through, or the new video, but I felt so much love and admiration for Eve. I looked at things in different ways and was really overcome with new understanding and emotion. At the veil, the words I spoke rang so vital and reassuring to me, I almost couldn't get through it. It was a small session, and I was the last person to leave so all the workers watched me as I completely lost it. I literally had to stop and just sob out the words. Poor Stewart. I have to just wonder if he waits for me on the couch in the Celestial Room, terrified of what emotional state his wife is coming to meet him in... HAHA! I think he wasn't quite sure how to react to his mess of a wife, but as always he just smiled and hugged me and didn't ask why I couldn't control my boogers and tears. He's such a stud. :)
Preparing to meet with a specialist
The next step in our adventure was to meet with a genetic specialist and counselor. Boise has the closest one, so we made an appointment. Basically we were going to get a better look at the baby, make sure everything else was normal, and meet with a counselor. I was pretty nervous to go. Even though I thought I had a pretty good handle on the situation, I still broke down occasionally, and found it was best just not to think of it if possible.
My parents could tell I was still uneasy, so my dad offered to give me another blessing. As he laid his hands on my head, he spoke the most comforting and reassuring words I have ever heard. All of the thoughts and fears I had been trying to beat down and silence on my own seemed to melt away instantaneously. It was like I was being wrapped up in a huge, warm blanket. I felt the most real and direct comfort from my Father in Heaven, and also I felt a strange peace from within- like my little guy was trying to nudge me and tell me that everything was going to be okay. Some of the distinct and most comforting words of the blessing reminded me that this baby chose me as a mother and that he and I were both prepared to handle this, and we would do it together. I also felt reassured that there would be overwhelming support from those around me, that they loved me and would help me through this. As the tears streamed down my face, so did all my worry and doubt. For the first time I felt the most complete peace and comfort. From that point on I have stopped questioning and worrying, and have instead embraced this challenge and seen the direct effect it has, and will continue to have on growing my testimony.
My parents could tell I was still uneasy, so my dad offered to give me another blessing. As he laid his hands on my head, he spoke the most comforting and reassuring words I have ever heard. All of the thoughts and fears I had been trying to beat down and silence on my own seemed to melt away instantaneously. It was like I was being wrapped up in a huge, warm blanket. I felt the most real and direct comfort from my Father in Heaven, and also I felt a strange peace from within- like my little guy was trying to nudge me and tell me that everything was going to be okay. Some of the distinct and most comforting words of the blessing reminded me that this baby chose me as a mother and that he and I were both prepared to handle this, and we would do it together. I also felt reassured that there would be overwhelming support from those around me, that they loved me and would help me through this. As the tears streamed down my face, so did all my worry and doubt. For the first time I felt the most complete peace and comfort. From that point on I have stopped questioning and worrying, and have instead embraced this challenge and seen the direct effect it has, and will continue to have on growing my testimony.
Twenty Week Appointment
The 20 week appointment always seems to be the funnest appointment. Not only are you half way to the end, you get to find out if it's a girl or boy! I'm a firm believer in being as prepared as possible, so we always choose to know as soon as we can :)
This time Mom and Addison thought it was a girl. Brogan and dad said boy. And... the BOYS have it! Poor Addison wanted a little sister so bad. She kept saying, "maybe it will just be a girl". At some point in time she has come to acknowledge that she will be getting a new little brother, and he will be pretty cool :)
As we got to the doctor's office, kids in tow (of course WITH the kids we are always running a little late), we met my Mom and JoAnna. We were all SO thrilled to find out what we were having, no one wanted to miss out! As we checked in (with our obvious entourage), they said- "Do you think you are having an ultrasound today? We don't have you scheduled for one..." My disappointment must've been so obvious as I said, "Yes- we scheduled an ultrasound for twenty weeks...that's today". Instead of turning me away, they made us wait for FOREVER to squeeze us in. We probably waited for 45 minutes (WITH KIDS!!!) in the waiting room. (Kill me now). But around 4:45 we snuck in to do a quick look see at what we were having.
Within the first minute, without the nurse saying a word, I could see (quite obviously) that it was a boy. (Even though it took Stewart a LONG time to finally see it!) I was a little disappointed, as I was sure it was going to be a girl (hey- I was right with the other two). After getting over my initial shock (and the little bit of let down) I did get a little excited as we started talking about the boy names we were sure we weren't going to need (honestly all our boy names were way better than our girl names anyway). Time ticked on and it seemed like our "allotted" time should have been up by now, but the nurse kept taking pictures and clicking buttons- not saying much. As she continued to look and look I could tell something wasn't quite right. She left and the doctor came in not much longer and told me he wanted to look at baby for himself. (Usually when the doctor comes in he just gives you a quick run down and dismisses you... so this was strange). As I lay there knowing something wasn't right, I started to worry and look for anything in the ultrasound out of the ordinary. (At this point the kids had totally lost interest and were climbing the walls... just BTW).
When the doctor finished up he told us that we were indeed having a little boy- and that he looked to be healthy, however, it was obvious that he was going to have some form of a cleft lip, and possibly a cleft into the pallet. Little baby was not as cooperative as we would have liked, and held his little hand up against his face through the whole ultrasound so we couldn't quite see how extensive it might be, but it was there.
As he explained that when we are formed, we start out flat and our "seams" meet up in the middle of our body, and above the upper lip is where everything kind of comes together. They spent so much time looking at the baby to make sure that every other part of that "seam" had sealed up, which it had. So now we would need to see a specialist in Boise just to double check and make plans from there. He told us that this is pretty common, is 100% correctable, and that doctors do a great job making it look un-noticeable. He also mentioned a few actors he thought may have had it, and that his brother had one, and that people who have these go on living normal lives, doing anything they dream of doing (so an acting career isn't out) ;)
As his words were sinking in, I really did try to be strong and think- "good- just a little physical defect, he's healthy", which gave me some comfort, but my heart still sank. No mother wants to hear that their sweet unborn child is going to have to be different, in any way. Nonetheless, to think about what this little boy will have to go through to get there. I thought- how do I take care of a baby that might not be able to eat normal? How do I take my three month old baby to have surgery? How am I, as his mother, going to do all of this and be able to handle it? When the doctor left I cried. I just couldn't hold it back. I was so glad to have my own mom there in the room with me. It was nice to have someone who could comprehend my feelings and emotions, as a mother. Eventually we got it all under control and our "squeeze us in" appointment resulted in us being the last ones out of the place.
After the doctors appointment Stewart and I had planned on going to Burley to help some people clip their calves for the fair, and my mom planned on taking the kids home with her. It worked out well to have a little one on one time with Stewart so we could talk and think and cry (he didn't cry...) without worrying the kids. Stewart wasn't precisely sure what a cleft lip looked like, and all I could picture was the little Asian babies you see on commercials with haneous looking cleft lip problems. So we googled it. When you type in "images of cleft lip" google hands you a pretty wide variety of cleft lip (and pallet) problems. Basically it gave us an idea, but not any real comfort. Stewart was pretty strong and unaffected throughout the whole drive (he has been through this whole thing) and only tried to reassure me that this is such a small thing, we're lucky to have a healthy boy. Of course he was right, and I was so grateful, but my natural man had taken over my mind. I could only think of how difficult it might be to feed him and take care of him after surgery, and also how difficult it might be to explain it to people (especially my own kids).
When we got to the fair Stewart started helping with the calves, but I was not in an emotional state to be with people one on one, so I bought myself a snow-cone and watched the sheep show. It helped take my mind off things for awhile, but every time I saw a little baby I just couldn't help but wonder how much harder this was going to be than my other babies.
That night I just couldn't shake the worry of the unknown, and even though I really tried to be optimistic- I just cried. A lot. Stewart and my Dad gave me a Priesthood blessing, and it did help calm me, but the worry had not left my mind. On top of that, I felt horrible for not being more excited that our baby boy was ultimately healthy and fine! I did manage to overcome this struggling feeling, but it took some time, lots of prayers, blessings, and trips to the temple to do.
Sunday, October 27, 2013
Time for Baby #3?
Around February, Stewart and I had started talking about when we might start trying for baby #3. Since Addison and Brogan were only 14 months apart (everyone thought we were crazy), we didn't want to rush into anything too soon, but Brogan was turning two in March and we didn't want too huge of a gap between kids #2 and #3. One day Grandpa Jensen invited us to go to the temple with him. Since we hadn't gone in awhile we felt like we probably should go. Almost immediately after I had settled into the session I got the impression that someone was there with me. I hoped it was the name I was going through for, but it didn't quite feel like it. As the session went on I got the distinct impression that it was time to have our next child. I kept trying to shake this thought- we weren't planning on trying till winter- I wanted to do a triathlon in June - I had just got my best body back, I wasn't quite ready to give it up again- this was all in my head. The more I argued with this thought the stronger it became. At one point in the session I couldn't stop the tears from coming, and I was overwhelmed by this spirit that was so obviously there with me, letting me know that he or she was ready and waiting to come join us. I was so distracted through the rest of the session, and could barely remember what I was supposed to be doing. As I met Stewart in the celestial room, I sat on the couch next to him. He could tell that I was emotional and squeezed my hand. I immediately broke down sobbing and whimpered, "We have to have another baby- now". He just shook his head yes (and kind of gave me a teasing smile- like he was holding back making fun of me just a little) (which- when he re-tells this story he does tease me about that).
Someone was indeed waiting, as we found out we were pregnant the next month! Never before have I had an experience quite like this one- such a clear, sweet nudge, telling me exactly what to do. It was a real testimony builder to me that the veil really is thin, and that we can be prompted in huge ways sometimes! I'm so grateful for the little guy who's coming to meet us in December. I know he is a special little soul and will continue to test me, as a mother, to show my purest love and my ability to listen to promptings. I just can't wait to meet you little guy!
Someone was indeed waiting, as we found out we were pregnant the next month! Never before have I had an experience quite like this one- such a clear, sweet nudge, telling me exactly what to do. It was a real testimony builder to me that the veil really is thin, and that we can be prompted in huge ways sometimes! I'm so grateful for the little guy who's coming to meet us in December. I know he is a special little soul and will continue to test me, as a mother, to show my purest love and my ability to listen to promptings. I just can't wait to meet you little guy!
This Blog is for You
I'm starting this blog for my little baby boy who's due to arrive in just five short weeks. Cash, as you look back on this blog I hope you will be able to feel our love for you, laugh at yourself, and have a peek into your childhood through your Mom's eyes. You are not even here yet, but I already love you so much! I hope that I can always be the Mother that you deserve.
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