The 20 week appointment always seems to be the funnest appointment. Not only are you half way to the end, you get to find out if it's a girl or boy! I'm a firm believer in being as prepared as possible, so we always choose to know as soon as we can :)
This time Mom and Addison thought it was a girl. Brogan and dad said boy. And... the BOYS have it! Poor Addison wanted a little sister so bad. She kept saying, "maybe it will just be a girl". At some point in time she has come to acknowledge that she will be getting a new little brother, and he will be pretty cool :)
As we got to the doctor's office, kids in tow (of course WITH the kids we are always running a little late), we met my Mom and JoAnna. We were all SO thrilled to find out what we were having, no one wanted to miss out! As we checked in (with our obvious entourage), they said- "Do you think you are having an ultrasound today? We don't have you scheduled for one..." My disappointment must've been so obvious as I said, "Yes- we scheduled an ultrasound for twenty weeks...that's today". Instead of turning me away, they made us wait for FOREVER to squeeze us in. We probably waited for 45 minutes (WITH KIDS!!!) in the waiting room. (Kill me now). But around 4:45 we snuck in to do a quick look see at what we were having.
Within the first minute, without the nurse saying a word, I could see (quite obviously) that it was a boy. (Even though it took Stewart a LONG time to finally see it!) I was a little disappointed, as I was sure it was going to be a girl (hey- I was right with the other two). After getting over my initial shock (and the little bit of let down) I did get a little excited as we started talking about the boy names we were sure we weren't going to need (honestly all our boy names were way better than our girl names anyway). Time ticked on and it seemed like our "allotted" time should have been up by now, but the nurse kept taking pictures and clicking buttons- not saying much. As she continued to look and look I could tell something wasn't quite right. She left and the doctor came in not much longer and told me he wanted to look at baby for himself. (Usually when the doctor comes in he just gives you a quick run down and dismisses you... so this was strange). As I lay there knowing something wasn't right, I started to worry and look for anything in the ultrasound out of the ordinary. (At this point the kids had totally lost interest and were climbing the walls... just BTW).
When the doctor finished up he told us that we were indeed having a little boy- and that he looked to be healthy, however, it was obvious that he was going to have some form of a cleft lip, and possibly a cleft into the pallet. Little baby was not as cooperative as we would have liked, and held his little hand up against his face through the whole ultrasound so we couldn't quite see how extensive it might be, but it was there.
As he explained that when we are formed, we start out flat and our "seams" meet up in the middle of our body, and above the upper lip is where everything kind of comes together. They spent so much time looking at the baby to make sure that every other part of that "seam" had sealed up, which it had. So now we would need to see a specialist in Boise just to double check and make plans from there. He told us that this is pretty common, is 100% correctable, and that doctors do a great job making it look un-noticeable. He also mentioned a few actors he thought may have had it, and that his brother had one, and that people who have these go on living normal lives, doing anything they dream of doing (so an acting career isn't out) ;)
As his words were sinking in, I really did try to be strong and think- "good- just a little physical defect, he's healthy", which gave me some comfort, but my heart still sank. No mother wants to hear that their sweet unborn child is going to have to be different, in any way. Nonetheless, to think about what this little boy will have to go through to get there. I thought- how do I take care of a baby that might not be able to eat normal? How do I take my three month old baby to have surgery? How am I, as his mother, going to do all of this and be able to handle it? When the doctor left I cried. I just couldn't hold it back. I was so glad to have my own mom there in the room with me. It was nice to have someone who could comprehend my feelings and emotions, as a mother. Eventually we got it all under control and our "squeeze us in" appointment resulted in us being the last ones out of the place.
After the doctors appointment Stewart and I had planned on going to Burley to help some people clip their calves for the fair, and my mom planned on taking the kids home with her. It worked out well to have a little one on one time with Stewart so we could talk and think and cry (he didn't cry...) without worrying the kids. Stewart wasn't precisely sure what a cleft lip looked like, and all I could picture was the little Asian babies you see on commercials with haneous looking cleft lip problems. So we googled it. When you type in "images of cleft lip" google hands you a pretty wide variety of cleft lip (and pallet) problems. Basically it gave us an idea, but not any real comfort. Stewart was pretty strong and unaffected throughout the whole drive (he has been through this whole thing) and only tried to reassure me that this is such a small thing, we're lucky to have a healthy boy. Of course he was right, and I was so grateful, but my natural man had taken over my mind. I could only think of how difficult it might be to feed him and take care of him after surgery, and also how difficult it might be to explain it to people (especially my own kids).
When we got to the fair Stewart started helping with the calves, but I was not in an emotional state to be with people one on one, so I bought myself a snow-cone and watched the sheep show. It helped take my mind off things for awhile, but every time I saw a little baby I just couldn't help but wonder how much harder this was going to be than my other babies.
That night I just couldn't shake the worry of the unknown, and even though I really tried to be optimistic- I just cried. A lot. Stewart and my Dad gave me a Priesthood blessing, and it did help calm me, but the worry had not left my mind. On top of that, I felt horrible for not being more excited that our baby boy was ultimately healthy and fine! I did manage to overcome this struggling feeling, but it took some time, lots of prayers, blessings, and trips to the temple to do.
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