I've heard some stories about the way they used to feed babies with a cleft lip, and I'm thankful it's as simple as it is now!
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Friday, December 27, 2013
Pigeon Bottles
I posted before about Cash being formula fed, but I failed to mention that he does use a special bottle and nipple. It's called a pigeon. The bottle is a little more squeezy than a regular bottle. The nipple has a hard side and a soft side. The soft side goes against his tongue and the hard side goes up (it kind of acts as a palate). It also has a special little plug type piece that sticks in the bottom of the nipple (between the milk and the tip of the nipple). When you squeeze the nipple it lets milk into nipple, but as soon as you stop squeezing the milk stops. Dr. Griffiths refers to it as a "bite nipple". Essentially Cash bites the nipple and gets milk. When we feed him we have to take the bottle out after a couple gulps, simply because he doesn't really take time to breath when he eats. We also burp him pretty frequently because he does take in a whole bunch more air than my other babies ever did. And he eats better if he's sitting up rather than reclining.
I've heard some stories about the way they used to feed babies with a cleft lip, and I'm thankful it's as simple as it is now!
I've heard some stories about the way they used to feed babies with a cleft lip, and I'm thankful it's as simple as it is now!
A Few Pictures
Just a few pictures from my camera (Thanks to camera man Stew)
He thought it was pretty funny to try and take pictures while I was feeling my contractions... ha ha.
Cash meets Dr. Griffiths
Last Friday we headed up to Boise so Cash could finally meet his plastic surgeon, Dr. Russel Griffiths. Thanks to the snow storm on Thursday and the super cold temps, we woke up at 5 AM so we could leave early enough to drive safely to Boise and make it to our 9 AM appointment. Thankfully the roads weren't too bad and we were even early enough to stop and grab something to eat.
I was a bit anxious for this appointment. Cash's cleft was more extensive than we originally thought it would be, and I was totally unsure of "how" they would repair things now. Dr. Griffiths would give us the game plan for the next year, and also the date of Cash' first surgery.
{Sidebar: The day before we went, Cash had developed a little white scab looking thing on the side of his gums. His lips and gums get really dried out, and sometimes he has loose boogers that he "breathes" out that I can get to come off by softening them with petroleum jelly. That didn't work and I seemed to be bugging Cash when I tried to get it off, so I just left it alone. Stewart thought maybe it was a little callus from his bottle rubbing on it. On Friday morning it seemed to have grown. When we saw Dr. Griffiths that was the first thing I asked about. He took a look and told us it was a little tooth bud that was pushing its way out. He said it would probably fall out, or he could just pull it out right there. Since it was bugging Cash to eat (and started bleeding when I tried to feed him) we opted for him to pull it. It took him two seconds to pull it out with a pair of tweezers. Kind of strange, but Cash lost his first tooth at only a week and a half old! (And why I didn't pull out my phone and take pictures before, during and after is still beyond me... Next time anything unusual happens I'll be sure to be on top of it!) End of Sidebar}
Dr. Griffiths came in and immediately took pictures of Cash (for the before and afters), then looked at him. He told us he seemed to be a healthy boy, was glad he was eating good, gave us a few pointers on feeding (hold him upright by the back of the neck so you have full control {insert Dr. manhandling my tiny baby in every direction to show he has full control}, throw the bottle on the floor if he starts choking (don't look around like a doe eyed deer for a place to set the bottle while your baby is choking!!) and face palm him into your other hand so he can breath (I might have added a motherly touch to it... but that's just me), burp him often... etc. (Stewart and I both found this teaching segment a little comical... not sure if it's just the way he said it or if it's just him, but we both laughed about it in the car).
As far as surgery- since Cash is eating and growing so well we can do surgery on his lip in February. (whoot whoot!) Dr. Griffiths explained to us how this all works (since I was lost). If you were to cut your lip and gums from the base of your nose to the bottom of your lip and let it heal naturally, all the pieces would "suck up" and it would look just like a cleft lip. Cash has all the tissue he needs to have a smooth lip, it's just all bunched up together. The surgeon has super magnified glasses that allow him to see each layer of the bunched up lip. He then cuts the layers apart, stretches them, then sews it together. (It's actually pretty simple). While Cash is in surgery, they will make a mold of his mouth. They'll build a sort of retainer for him to pop into the top of his palate, and also one that will go under his new lip (he'll wear them for 3-4 weeks). The pressure of the lip on his gums will force them to come together and ultimately heal themselves. The retainer that goes under his lip will act as a "track" for his gums to come together nice and rounded instead of at a sharp angle. It should only take one surgery to fix his lip (unless his nostril comes out looking funny- then he might have to do another one just to perfect it).
We will wait until Cash is a year old to do any work on his palate. (I forgot to ask why exactly we wait till then, but I'm pretty sure it's so the palate will grow and stretch as much as it can before they do more surgery).
We will call and schedule surgery as soon as his staff come back from their Christmas break. Until then we have to get Cash weighed once a week. If he starts losing weight, we'll have to take him in to get checked out (and possibly move the surgery). So far though- he's happy to eat and grow! Right now we are trying to find a way around driving to Twin once a week just to get him weighed at the Pediatrician's office. Hopefully we can work with an office here in Gooding just to use their scale and send over his weight. {Fingers Crossed}.
Since we live in Gooding when it comes time to do surgery, Dr. Griffiths wants us to come to Boise on a Wednesday, stay the night, do surgery early Thursday, then stay Friday night and Saturday morning/afternoon just to make sure everything is healing okay and that Cash eats well. I'm not going to lie- this scares me a lot. I feel like we're in a hurdle race and we've just gotten over the first hurdle- getting Cash here, getting him to eat good, and getting into somewhat of a routine. Now I can see the next hurdle ahead, but can't quite see exactly how to get over it. The race is on!
Cleft Lip and Palate
I realized the other day that unless you've met Mr. Cash, I might not have done a great job explaining a lot of things... (and also- this is Cash's journal, so I need to do a better job of documenting things... this Mom forgets things way too quickly!) (and I finally realized that I've been spelling palate wrong. Turns out there's a difference between the roof of your mouth "palate" and a "pallet" of sod) ;)
When Cash was finally born and we saw how extensive his cleft really was, I was very surprised. In all our ultrasounds Cash kept his hand up by his face pretty much the whole time. At the genetic specialists in Boise (our 2 hr ultrasound) they were able to see the most, but still couldn't determine exactly what it would look like. They showed us this little drawing and told us to expect something like the bilateral cleft lip, with partial palate involvement (which could be on both sides as well). Of course they told us it realistically could range anywhere on this scale, that's just what they were seeing so far (and ultimately it's hard to tell in an ultrasound with a shy, wiggly baby).
When Cash was finally born and we saw how extensive his cleft really was, I was very surprised. In all our ultrasounds Cash kept his hand up by his face pretty much the whole time. At the genetic specialists in Boise (our 2 hr ultrasound) they were able to see the most, but still couldn't determine exactly what it would look like. They showed us this little drawing and told us to expect something like the bilateral cleft lip, with partial palate involvement (which could be on both sides as well). Of course they told us it realistically could range anywhere on this scale, that's just what they were seeing so far (and ultimately it's hard to tell in an ultrasound with a shy, wiggly baby).
After all the ultrasounds and Dr visits I had an image in my mind of a bilateral cleft lip, with palate involvement on one side... perhaps only going into his gums, maybe one side of the palate... Nothing TOO major. I'm not sure how I came to this conclusion, but it's what I thought. (And Stewart was thinking bilateral cleft lip, with maybe a small palate involvement into his gums. He was always much more optimistic than me).
When Cash was born we were able to see that he had a cleft lip on the left side, and his palate was very involved. His left side of the palate is open all the way up in his nostril and the opening goes to the back of his mouth, and the continues around the right side of his mouth about half way up to the front. (It makes sort of a J shape, with a piece of palate in the middle).
{Isn't this the cutest little yawn?}
As a Mom, I did brace myself for the worst. It was very hard to picture a baby that you've never seen before, with a deformity that you've only seen the worst of, and not have some kind of reaction to it. I have tried to be 100% honest through this whole experience, and to say that I did not have to "prepare" mentally to meet my little guy would be a lie. When I finally saw my little man as they were cleaning him up and weighing him, I was so overcome with emotion. I never could have imagined that this sweet little spirit would be so stinking cute! As the nurse handed him to me I couldn't really say much. I just looked at his sweet little face and cried. Our first moments together were so touching, something I'll never forget. I was simply overcome with love. It's almost funny how quickly you can love someone so unconditionally.
Saturday, December 14, 2013
Formula Feeding
Many people have asked if I am breastfeeding or not. It's not a private question, or something I'm not up for sharing- I have just been pretty busy, and I wanted to explain it a little further than a simple yes or no.
Basically, for any baby with cleft lip or pallet, it's pretty tough to breast feed. Ultimately it depends on a combination of how extensive the cleft is, how determined the Mom is, and if there are people available to help in these situations. I think in Boise they are set up with lactation specialists who can help if it's possible to breastfeed, but here in Twin they are not. Of course it's possible to pump and bottle feed, and that's probably what most Mom's choose to do. I made the decision to formula feed when I was still pregnant (pretty much immediately after finding the cleft), simply because of my bad track record with breastfeeding (-if that answers your question, then we're good. If you're interested in my history, I'll share... just keep reading.) :)
After Addison was born she never latched on (not even once). I had the lactation specialist work with me endlessly at the hospital, and tried for two weeks to breast feed her. It was the most miserable two weeks of life with a newborn ever. After two weeks I stopped trying to breast feed her and tried pumping, only to find that I was not making hardly any milk. So we went straight to formula and we all started enjoying life. (AND she started sleeping through the night pretty much immediately).
When I had Brogan I was sure to make breastfeeding my number one concern as soon as he was born. Again I worked with a lactation specialist and even though it wasn't easy, he was a breastfed baby. The only problem was that he was ALWAYS latched on eating (and with Addison only being 14 months old at the time it was pretty impossible to get anything done -like feeding or taking care of her...). After four weeks of chaotic life and feeling like a slacker Mom, I decided to pump and see how much milk I was actually making. In one feeding Brogan ate double what I was able to pump (no wonder he was always hungry). I tried a couple things to increase my milk production, but ultimately he was done breastfeeding.
When we found out Cash would have a cleft lip and that we would have a whole slew of new and different trials, I decided that I was not going to waste my time and energy trying to pump then feed, only to probably have to supplement anyway. Breastfeeding was stressful with my other kids. I never enjoyed it and I obviously don't do a great job making milk (which come to find out, was a similar problem for my Mom and also her Mom). So far my breasts have been engorged (the biggest, hardest boobs I've ever had! -Someday I'm DEFINITELY getting a boob job) but I haven't really squirted out milk or woke up soaking wet (I've heard some horror stories about drying up)... but none of that's happened to me.
Breastfeeding is great, and I truly admire women who can do it (because seriously, I think it takes work and dedication). I think it makes sense financially and physically to breast feed if you can, but so far it hasn't worked for me. With Addison and Brogan I almost felt guilty when I gave up on it (and I felt like some people did try to make me feel that way). Since being pregnant with Cash, I've found that I'm way more concerned with simply enjoying my sweet little baby and all the sweet experiences we will share together, rather than feeling guilty for things I can't control. So far it's been awesome!
#stepsoffsoapbox ;)
Basically, for any baby with cleft lip or pallet, it's pretty tough to breast feed. Ultimately it depends on a combination of how extensive the cleft is, how determined the Mom is, and if there are people available to help in these situations. I think in Boise they are set up with lactation specialists who can help if it's possible to breastfeed, but here in Twin they are not. Of course it's possible to pump and bottle feed, and that's probably what most Mom's choose to do. I made the decision to formula feed when I was still pregnant (pretty much immediately after finding the cleft), simply because of my bad track record with breastfeeding (-if that answers your question, then we're good. If you're interested in my history, I'll share... just keep reading.) :)
After Addison was born she never latched on (not even once). I had the lactation specialist work with me endlessly at the hospital, and tried for two weeks to breast feed her. It was the most miserable two weeks of life with a newborn ever. After two weeks I stopped trying to breast feed her and tried pumping, only to find that I was not making hardly any milk. So we went straight to formula and we all started enjoying life. (AND she started sleeping through the night pretty much immediately).
When I had Brogan I was sure to make breastfeeding my number one concern as soon as he was born. Again I worked with a lactation specialist and even though it wasn't easy, he was a breastfed baby. The only problem was that he was ALWAYS latched on eating (and with Addison only being 14 months old at the time it was pretty impossible to get anything done -like feeding or taking care of her...). After four weeks of chaotic life and feeling like a slacker Mom, I decided to pump and see how much milk I was actually making. In one feeding Brogan ate double what I was able to pump (no wonder he was always hungry). I tried a couple things to increase my milk production, but ultimately he was done breastfeeding.
When we found out Cash would have a cleft lip and that we would have a whole slew of new and different trials, I decided that I was not going to waste my time and energy trying to pump then feed, only to probably have to supplement anyway. Breastfeeding was stressful with my other kids. I never enjoyed it and I obviously don't do a great job making milk (which come to find out, was a similar problem for my Mom and also her Mom). So far my breasts have been engorged (the biggest, hardest boobs I've ever had! -Someday I'm DEFINITELY getting a boob job) but I haven't really squirted out milk or woke up soaking wet (I've heard some horror stories about drying up)... but none of that's happened to me.
Breastfeeding is great, and I truly admire women who can do it (because seriously, I think it takes work and dedication). I think it makes sense financially and physically to breast feed if you can, but so far it hasn't worked for me. With Addison and Brogan I almost felt guilty when I gave up on it (and I felt like some people did try to make me feel that way). Since being pregnant with Cash, I've found that I'm way more concerned with simply enjoying my sweet little baby and all the sweet experiences we will share together, rather than feeling guilty for things I can't control. So far it's been awesome!
#stepsoffsoapbox ;)
Friday, December 13, 2013
Relief- Follow up on the headache (And Cash-Champ of the checkup!)
I can't believe that it was only yesterday that I felt so completely miserable and useless from my spinal headache! By the time I was able to get off the couch, go to the bathroom, and put clean sweatpants on (all that took me significantly longer than it should take any human being) we didn't leave our house till about 1:30 in the afternoon. When we got to the ER in Twin I was feeling so miserable, I literally started crying. (I was also really worried about having to go to the ER- I have never had to go for myself. My medical history literally consists of a few family doctor visits for strep throat and a case of mono)... (and having three kids of course).
When the doctor came in to see us he assessed my headache (sounded like a spinal headache), he ordered an IV of caffeine (-lots of caffeine) and Benadryl to try and take the edge off. He also ordered a Cat Scan to make sure I didn't have a neural bleed (I think my constant ringing ear was not a normal sign- so he was veering on the safe side with the cat scan). As soon as they hooked up my IV it made me pretty drowsy (and even more dizzy). I slept pretty much the whole time I was in the ER. My mom had taken the kids home with her, but Stewart had Cash and fed him and left to change his diaper all while I snoozed and waited for the anesthesiologist. My cat scan came back fine and they took me up to pre-op to get my blood patch.
As far as why I got this headache, I'll explain it as simply as I understood it. When they put in my epidural (which they had to stick in me twice) they accidently punctured a pocket of spinal fluid. They left the needle in me for 24 hours after labor to try and get the hole to seal up as best it could, but it didn't work. So after they removed the epidural needle I was leaking spinal fluid. When I stood or sat up straight it put pressure on the fluid and caused the headache. In order to get it to stop they do a blood patch. (Again- I'll explain as simply as I understood it). The anesthesiologist basically gave me another epidural, and at the time the needle was in my back, a nurse drew blood from my arm. They immediately took that blood and put it into the epidural until the "space" was full of blood. I had to lie flat on my back for the next hour and a half so the blood would form a nice clot. It was amazing- as soon as they put the blood into my back I felt immediate relief from my headache! It was like I was a whole new person in a matter of seconds. I was told to take it easy for the rest of the night (just to be sure the blood clotted well) so my Mom kept Addison and Brogan overnight again. It was probably a good thing too- Cash decided that his awake time should be from one to four AM, and since Stewart was pretty sleep deprived and I was feeling so much better, it was my turn.
Cash had a follow up appointment today at 10:30 in Twin, which he passed with flying colors. It's pretty common for babies to lose weight after they leave the hospital (especially babies with cleft problems). Our little Cash lost a whopping one OUNCE. What a champ! We scheduled our next follow up appointment with the pediatrician, called the plastic surgeon in Boise and scheduled an appointment with them, scheduled our appointment for his second hearing screening (he failed his first one... but lots of babies do), and finally we scheduled an appointment with an ear nose and throat doctor (just because they like for babies with cleft problems to see them too). We will be busy running to and fro in the next few weeks, but thankfully our Cash is a big boy, a good eater, and (so far) not a sickly baby!
Grandma Nancy had gone to my Mom's this morning and picked up the kids to take them for the day- so Stewart, Cash and I finished up some Christmas shopping, picked up some odds and ends that you always forget you'll need with a new baby and headed home. We all got a little nap, and I was THRILLED (and beyond ready) to have Addison and Brogan finally come home. While it was so nice to not have to worry about shuffling them around, or worry about if they were being taken care of, I had really, REALLY missed them!! This evening was such a great one- just all of us being home together, being as loud and silly as we want. I'm so glad the blood patch worked so quickly and effectively- I can't imagine not being able to enjoy moments like these with my sweet, fun, loving children.
When the doctor came in to see us he assessed my headache (sounded like a spinal headache), he ordered an IV of caffeine (-lots of caffeine) and Benadryl to try and take the edge off. He also ordered a Cat Scan to make sure I didn't have a neural bleed (I think my constant ringing ear was not a normal sign- so he was veering on the safe side with the cat scan). As soon as they hooked up my IV it made me pretty drowsy (and even more dizzy). I slept pretty much the whole time I was in the ER. My mom had taken the kids home with her, but Stewart had Cash and fed him and left to change his diaper all while I snoozed and waited for the anesthesiologist. My cat scan came back fine and they took me up to pre-op to get my blood patch.
As far as why I got this headache, I'll explain it as simply as I understood it. When they put in my epidural (which they had to stick in me twice) they accidently punctured a pocket of spinal fluid. They left the needle in me for 24 hours after labor to try and get the hole to seal up as best it could, but it didn't work. So after they removed the epidural needle I was leaking spinal fluid. When I stood or sat up straight it put pressure on the fluid and caused the headache. In order to get it to stop they do a blood patch. (Again- I'll explain as simply as I understood it). The anesthesiologist basically gave me another epidural, and at the time the needle was in my back, a nurse drew blood from my arm. They immediately took that blood and put it into the epidural until the "space" was full of blood. I had to lie flat on my back for the next hour and a half so the blood would form a nice clot. It was amazing- as soon as they put the blood into my back I felt immediate relief from my headache! It was like I was a whole new person in a matter of seconds. I was told to take it easy for the rest of the night (just to be sure the blood clotted well) so my Mom kept Addison and Brogan overnight again. It was probably a good thing too- Cash decided that his awake time should be from one to four AM, and since Stewart was pretty sleep deprived and I was feeling so much better, it was my turn.
Cash had a follow up appointment today at 10:30 in Twin, which he passed with flying colors. It's pretty common for babies to lose weight after they leave the hospital (especially babies with cleft problems). Our little Cash lost a whopping one OUNCE. What a champ! We scheduled our next follow up appointment with the pediatrician, called the plastic surgeon in Boise and scheduled an appointment with them, scheduled our appointment for his second hearing screening (he failed his first one... but lots of babies do), and finally we scheduled an appointment with an ear nose and throat doctor (just because they like for babies with cleft problems to see them too). We will be busy running to and fro in the next few weeks, but thankfully our Cash is a big boy, a good eater, and (so far) not a sickly baby!
Grandma Nancy had gone to my Mom's this morning and picked up the kids to take them for the day- so Stewart, Cash and I finished up some Christmas shopping, picked up some odds and ends that you always forget you'll need with a new baby and headed home. We all got a little nap, and I was THRILLED (and beyond ready) to have Addison and Brogan finally come home. While it was so nice to not have to worry about shuffling them around, or worry about if they were being taken care of, I had really, REALLY missed them!! This evening was such a great one- just all of us being home together, being as loud and silly as we want. I'm so glad the blood patch worked so quickly and effectively- I can't imagine not being able to enjoy moments like these with my sweet, fun, loving children.
Thursday, December 12, 2013
An update (mostly on Mom)
Baby Cash is finally HOME! We came home yesterday evening and he is doing wonderful. Eating like a champ, pooping real baby poop...like a champ, and loving all the snuggles and songs from Addison and Brogan.
A little update on me- I'm sort of feeling like I've been hit by a truck. My body aches all over. I am pretty sore and bruised where they put in my IV (and also where they attempted to put my first IV in, dug around a little, and ultimately failed), also where the nurse gave me two vaccines in my legs. I'm sore in the "down there" regions and in my stomach (for obvious good reasons). My back is sore from top to bottom and my breasts are now sore from engorgement (which only started this morning). All of this is pretty standard (not how it happened with my other two), but all to be expected after delivering a nine pound baby!
So remember how they were concerned that I would get a spinal headache? I had a mild headache, but it was never so bad that I couldn't be sitting up or be getting around. The anesthesiologist and Dr. were pretty sure that since I didn't get it immediately I would not get it at all. Unfortunately, I'm sure now I have it. On Tuesday afternoon my left ear started ringing. It was more irritated by loud noises, so as long as it was somewhat quiet I was fine. Then Tuesday night Cash was up ALL night. I really tried to be up with him, but I was so exhausted and his screaming just irritated it more. Stewart (my hero) stayed up with him for three hours pacing around our small little room, trying to comfort our baby (I think he must have had a tummy ache). Wednesday morning my headache wasn't so bad, but the ringing never stopped. The doctor looked in my ear and everything looked fine so he told me to come back in a few days if it persisted. We were discharged around one o'clock Wednesday and that's when the headache started to get worse. I took my drugs the doctor gave me and was chugging my Dr. Pepper (also Dr. prescribed), and it was just a terrible headache. Last night after we visited Grandpa Funk I came home and lied down immediately. After half an hour I got up to try and help Stewart put the kids to bed. The pain shot to my head and I literally almost fell over. Since then I've pretty much not been able to stand or sit up. The ringing in my ears never goes away, but if I'm lying down the headache (and pain all the way down to my neck) isn't so excruciating.
My dad came and gave me a blessing last night, and I finally called the Dr. to see what I should do. They told me that I could go to the ER right away, but it would probably be better to come during the day (there would be an anesthesiologist during the day for sure). I'm pretty sure they'll have to do a blood patch to make this feel better.
Cash was a trooper last night and only got up to eat a few times. I did have Brogan come to my bed last night at 2:30. He was just missing his momma (he rubbed my face for a good half hour) :) Then around 4:30 there was another knock at the door. Addison came in and had the worst sounding cough and was breathing all wheezy. Thank goodness Stewart is such a saint. He jumped up and turned on the hot shower, rubbed every oil prescribed by Grandma on her, and got her comfortable on the couch and settled back to sleep. Meanwhile I felt terrible that the only thing I was good for was to lie there and tell him how thankful I am for him. I called my mom (well I called her at 4:30) ;) But I got ahold of her at 6:30. She came over just in the knick of time. As Stewart put Cash back to sleep the kids were just deciding to wake up (poor guy can't catch a wink of sleep!) My mom showed up and immediately took care of getting the kids breakfast, drinks, something to do, and then started taking care of Cash.
As of right now- Addison is still coughing a little bit (but I did take Brogan to the Dr earlier this month for the same sounding cough and they told me it was mostly due to post nasal drip... so we're hoping hers is the same). I am still lying around being a completely helpless blob of neediness. Stewart is catching up on some much needed sleep, and soon we'll be headed to the hospital in Twin Falls to see what they can do for my miserable spinal headache.
I seriously don't know what I'd do without Stewart. At a time when I feel like it's my job more than ever to be the "go to" person, I feel so completely useless, and he's done such a wonderful job of taking care of everything, all while trying to make me feel ok about it. Also- I always do, but I still continue to owe so much to my Mom. She's always been my lifesaver, and this is no different. I'm so thankful that she's willing to drop whatever to help me in every way.
We're headed to the hospital soon. I'll update as soon as I can.
A little update on me- I'm sort of feeling like I've been hit by a truck. My body aches all over. I am pretty sore and bruised where they put in my IV (and also where they attempted to put my first IV in, dug around a little, and ultimately failed), also where the nurse gave me two vaccines in my legs. I'm sore in the "down there" regions and in my stomach (for obvious good reasons). My back is sore from top to bottom and my breasts are now sore from engorgement (which only started this morning). All of this is pretty standard (not how it happened with my other two), but all to be expected after delivering a nine pound baby!
So remember how they were concerned that I would get a spinal headache? I had a mild headache, but it was never so bad that I couldn't be sitting up or be getting around. The anesthesiologist and Dr. were pretty sure that since I didn't get it immediately I would not get it at all. Unfortunately, I'm sure now I have it. On Tuesday afternoon my left ear started ringing. It was more irritated by loud noises, so as long as it was somewhat quiet I was fine. Then Tuesday night Cash was up ALL night. I really tried to be up with him, but I was so exhausted and his screaming just irritated it more. Stewart (my hero) stayed up with him for three hours pacing around our small little room, trying to comfort our baby (I think he must have had a tummy ache). Wednesday morning my headache wasn't so bad, but the ringing never stopped. The doctor looked in my ear and everything looked fine so he told me to come back in a few days if it persisted. We were discharged around one o'clock Wednesday and that's when the headache started to get worse. I took my drugs the doctor gave me and was chugging my Dr. Pepper (also Dr. prescribed), and it was just a terrible headache. Last night after we visited Grandpa Funk I came home and lied down immediately. After half an hour I got up to try and help Stewart put the kids to bed. The pain shot to my head and I literally almost fell over. Since then I've pretty much not been able to stand or sit up. The ringing in my ears never goes away, but if I'm lying down the headache (and pain all the way down to my neck) isn't so excruciating.
My dad came and gave me a blessing last night, and I finally called the Dr. to see what I should do. They told me that I could go to the ER right away, but it would probably be better to come during the day (there would be an anesthesiologist during the day for sure). I'm pretty sure they'll have to do a blood patch to make this feel better.
Cash was a trooper last night and only got up to eat a few times. I did have Brogan come to my bed last night at 2:30. He was just missing his momma (he rubbed my face for a good half hour) :) Then around 4:30 there was another knock at the door. Addison came in and had the worst sounding cough and was breathing all wheezy. Thank goodness Stewart is such a saint. He jumped up and turned on the hot shower, rubbed every oil prescribed by Grandma on her, and got her comfortable on the couch and settled back to sleep. Meanwhile I felt terrible that the only thing I was good for was to lie there and tell him how thankful I am for him. I called my mom (well I called her at 4:30) ;) But I got ahold of her at 6:30. She came over just in the knick of time. As Stewart put Cash back to sleep the kids were just deciding to wake up (poor guy can't catch a wink of sleep!) My mom showed up and immediately took care of getting the kids breakfast, drinks, something to do, and then started taking care of Cash.
As of right now- Addison is still coughing a little bit (but I did take Brogan to the Dr earlier this month for the same sounding cough and they told me it was mostly due to post nasal drip... so we're hoping hers is the same). I am still lying around being a completely helpless blob of neediness. Stewart is catching up on some much needed sleep, and soon we'll be headed to the hospital in Twin Falls to see what they can do for my miserable spinal headache.
I seriously don't know what I'd do without Stewart. At a time when I feel like it's my job more than ever to be the "go to" person, I feel so completely useless, and he's done such a wonderful job of taking care of everything, all while trying to make me feel ok about it. Also- I always do, but I still continue to owe so much to my Mom. She's always been my lifesaver, and this is no different. I'm so thankful that she's willing to drop whatever to help me in every way.
We're headed to the hospital soon. I'll update as soon as I can.
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
First peek at baby Cash!
My BFF Jaime came to take pictures of this special occasion. These are only a little peek at what she got, but they just make my heart so happy!
None of us could wait to meet him- especially these two!
Post-op Momma
Since my "epidural" was screwy, they left the little tube thingy in my back for 24 hours. They hoped this would help reduce the risk of the horrible subdural headache. (It did- I've only had a constant, but mild headache since labor). It also made me have a HORRIBLE back ache. Last night I thought I was going to die. Seriously, I was in tears trying to stand up straight because my back hurt SO BAD! (My other "parts" hurt too of course, but the back pain was too much to take). I took whatever they'd give me for pain as often as they'd give it to me. And Ice packs. Ouch. This morning the anesthesiologist came and took out the little tube. Even though I'm still stiff and hurting, that made such a HUGE difference. And good news- no killer, worse than you've ever had in your life- subdural headache like they worried about. I have had a constant headache, but I'll take it :)
I have to brag a little on Stewart. During labor and delivery he was awesome to do all the right things, say the right things, and be just as loving and caring as he could be. (He was still the silly, joking Stewart that I love, but he didn't ever go overboard) :) And post-op he's been a rockstar. Since I couldn't really get up or do much at all, he literally did EVERYTHING I needed him to. AND he took care of Cash. Anything he needed he lovingly got up and took care of it. (I was seriously devoted to just being alive, and Stewart took care of both baby and I). I don't know what I'd do without that man! I LOVE HIM SO MUCH!
I have to brag a little on Stewart. During labor and delivery he was awesome to do all the right things, say the right things, and be just as loving and caring as he could be. (He was still the silly, joking Stewart that I love, but he didn't ever go overboard) :) And post-op he's been a rockstar. Since I couldn't really get up or do much at all, he literally did EVERYTHING I needed him to. AND he took care of Cash. Anything he needed he lovingly got up and took care of it. (I was seriously devoted to just being alive, and Stewart took care of both baby and I). I don't know what I'd do without that man! I LOVE HIM SO MUCH!
Come on out BABY!
I was scheduled to be induced on December 9 at 7:30 am. I spent the night before tossing and turning (or hoisting myself over slowly) trying to get some sleep. We woke up to freezing cold temps (-14 in Wendell!) and got ready to go to the hospital. I did put on a little makeup and fix my hair, but what else are you supposed to do when you can't sleep? ;) We made it to the hospital just after 7:30, found where we were supposed to be and got settled in. When they hooked me up to the machine they discovered I was already having contractions, and they were pretty consistent and strong. (I had been having contractions for the entire month and only really feeling the killer ones... obviously). So they decided just to start pushing Pitocin. I was dilated to a 3 and 70% effaced when the whole thing started. Around 9:30 baby was super low so they broke my water bag, and throughout the day I progressed slowly (so slowly) but surely.
Around ten thirty I was feeling the contractions pretty good and ready for an epidural (How did I ever deliver a baby without an epidural??? Seriously! Ouch). Around 11 they showed up with the drugs and started my epidural. They poked me once and it ended up being a zinger (it was a serious sting that did not fade) so they pulled it out and tried it again. As I was sitting on the edge of my bed, legs dangling they gave me a "test dose" of drugs. Immediately both my legs went completely numb. It happened so fast I couldn't even lift my own legs onto the bed, or scoot my butt back to be sitting up. Everyone started acting a little worried at how fast and effective the test dose worked. They called in another anesthesiologist and they determined that instead of an epidural I had received a subdural. Now I'm not completely sure what makes these two different, but everyone was acting like a subdural was not near as good and it seemed to have some serious after effects. As soon as they gave it to me they watched my blood pressure (which they always do) for about half an hour. I started to get a little sick, and started to feel a little short of breath and couldn't really stay awake. My blood pressure dropped a couple of times, and they put something into my IV to make it come back up (which worked). At this point I was pretty much totally out of it. All I remember was at one point I recall my Mom leaving (since it was going to be a while), and then at another point they said something about checking me because it might be time to push. I snapped awake at the "time to push". They checked me and the baby had dropped even more, but I hadn't dilated much more.
As time ticked on I started to be able to wiggle my legs a little, and also began to feel my contractions again. They pushed some numbing drug into my IV and again I went super numb. (This time I wasn't so freaked out because at least I knew I wasn't paralyzed) ;) I progressed slowly throughout the rest of the day, and hit another point where I started feeling my contractions and moving my legs. They pushed the same thing again, and my legs went super numb, but the contractions only disappeared completely for a little while. Pretty soon I started feeling more "pressure" (perhaps like pushing pressure) and started to worry a little bit. At this point my nurses (who were awesome) were telling me they probably wouldn't see the baby since their shift was coming to an end at 7, and my progression was pretty steady, but slow (I was dilating about a centimeter in two hours). Personally I started to get a little frustrated. I had been sitting here all day, feeling a good part of my contractions, but not being in control of my legs, and things were just not going!! (I was also sure that I would go through all this crap only to have to have a C-section anyway) (I told you- I was frustrated). Since my legs were SO numb, Dr. Astin had told the nurses that he wanted me to "labor down" (instead of "pushing", we'd just let my body and the contractions do most of the pushing until the baby was right there). The nurses told me that could be a pretty slow process.
***(SIDEBAR- my bff Jaime had been hanging around Twin ALL day with her kids, ready to drop them off and come take pictures of the delivery). Just before they checked me I told Stewart to tell Jaime just to take her kids home and I'd call her when we started laboring down. At the pace we were going it was going to be THAT long. ***
I think Stew could sense my disappointment and jokingly said "Cash- you have until 7 pm to get here young man". It was like the little man decided to just obey his daddy! They checked me and suddenly I was dilated to a nine! (And holy shitballs- Jaime was on her way! HAHA!) Since I was feeling my contractions pretty good (even though I had NO control of my legs) my nurse decided to try me out pushing. We did two test pushes and she told the other nurse to tell Astin to come NOW, and to tell him, yes- we had test pushed and I was not going to labor down, I was going to push this baby out! Jaime showed up at the perfect time, and Dr. Astin came right away. We started pushing and only ended up pushing for 10-15 minutes. My Mom and Stewart each ended up holding a leg (I seriously had NO control over them), and the nurses had to tell me when my contractions were there and when to push. Through the whole thing Dr. Astin cracked jokes and asked about Jaime's camera and I was sure we'd be there forever (he wasn't giving me many "real" updates). He kept saying things like, "Oh come on, you can push harder than that". I even had to tell him and Stewart to shut up and stop making me want to laugh at them! I was super surprised when I could see the reflection of a head in the overhead light (which acted as a mirror). I pushed and saw his head come out. The cord was wrapped around his neck (which I could also see) and they made me quit pushing in the middle of one. Thankfully, the cord wasn't tight and Cash just slipped through the circle of cord.
He came out, the Dr. sucked him out, and held him upside down and in half for a good little while trying to get him to breath or cough or cry. (That was a scary couple of... seconds, minutes? ...I don't even know how long it was, but it was worrisome). As soon as he breathed though, he found his lungs and he was screaming! The nurses weighed and measured him and my "small baby" ended up weighing 9 pounds, 5 ounces!!! 21 and 1/2 inches long. A BIG BOY! (So glad they induced me) :)
It was so good to finally meet my sweet little boy and see exactly how handsome he really was!
After delivery I was still completely numb and my legs would literally not stay on the bed. It was funny and sad all at the same time. (Also- I did have to have an episiotomy... and he still barely fit! ;) )
Ultimately, labor was not as easy and dreamy as I had hoped (or as it had been with Brogan) but we did it!
Around ten thirty I was feeling the contractions pretty good and ready for an epidural (How did I ever deliver a baby without an epidural??? Seriously! Ouch). Around 11 they showed up with the drugs and started my epidural. They poked me once and it ended up being a zinger (it was a serious sting that did not fade) so they pulled it out and tried it again. As I was sitting on the edge of my bed, legs dangling they gave me a "test dose" of drugs. Immediately both my legs went completely numb. It happened so fast I couldn't even lift my own legs onto the bed, or scoot my butt back to be sitting up. Everyone started acting a little worried at how fast and effective the test dose worked. They called in another anesthesiologist and they determined that instead of an epidural I had received a subdural. Now I'm not completely sure what makes these two different, but everyone was acting like a subdural was not near as good and it seemed to have some serious after effects. As soon as they gave it to me they watched my blood pressure (which they always do) for about half an hour. I started to get a little sick, and started to feel a little short of breath and couldn't really stay awake. My blood pressure dropped a couple of times, and they put something into my IV to make it come back up (which worked). At this point I was pretty much totally out of it. All I remember was at one point I recall my Mom leaving (since it was going to be a while), and then at another point they said something about checking me because it might be time to push. I snapped awake at the "time to push". They checked me and the baby had dropped even more, but I hadn't dilated much more.
As time ticked on I started to be able to wiggle my legs a little, and also began to feel my contractions again. They pushed some numbing drug into my IV and again I went super numb. (This time I wasn't so freaked out because at least I knew I wasn't paralyzed) ;) I progressed slowly throughout the rest of the day, and hit another point where I started feeling my contractions and moving my legs. They pushed the same thing again, and my legs went super numb, but the contractions only disappeared completely for a little while. Pretty soon I started feeling more "pressure" (perhaps like pushing pressure) and started to worry a little bit. At this point my nurses (who were awesome) were telling me they probably wouldn't see the baby since their shift was coming to an end at 7, and my progression was pretty steady, but slow (I was dilating about a centimeter in two hours). Personally I started to get a little frustrated. I had been sitting here all day, feeling a good part of my contractions, but not being in control of my legs, and things were just not going!! (I was also sure that I would go through all this crap only to have to have a C-section anyway) (I told you- I was frustrated). Since my legs were SO numb, Dr. Astin had told the nurses that he wanted me to "labor down" (instead of "pushing", we'd just let my body and the contractions do most of the pushing until the baby was right there). The nurses told me that could be a pretty slow process.
***(SIDEBAR- my bff Jaime had been hanging around Twin ALL day with her kids, ready to drop them off and come take pictures of the delivery). Just before they checked me I told Stewart to tell Jaime just to take her kids home and I'd call her when we started laboring down. At the pace we were going it was going to be THAT long. ***
I think Stew could sense my disappointment and jokingly said "Cash- you have until 7 pm to get here young man". It was like the little man decided to just obey his daddy! They checked me and suddenly I was dilated to a nine! (And holy shitballs- Jaime was on her way! HAHA!) Since I was feeling my contractions pretty good (even though I had NO control of my legs) my nurse decided to try me out pushing. We did two test pushes and she told the other nurse to tell Astin to come NOW, and to tell him, yes- we had test pushed and I was not going to labor down, I was going to push this baby out! Jaime showed up at the perfect time, and Dr. Astin came right away. We started pushing and only ended up pushing for 10-15 minutes. My Mom and Stewart each ended up holding a leg (I seriously had NO control over them), and the nurses had to tell me when my contractions were there and when to push. Through the whole thing Dr. Astin cracked jokes and asked about Jaime's camera and I was sure we'd be there forever (he wasn't giving me many "real" updates). He kept saying things like, "Oh come on, you can push harder than that". I even had to tell him and Stewart to shut up and stop making me want to laugh at them! I was super surprised when I could see the reflection of a head in the overhead light (which acted as a mirror). I pushed and saw his head come out. The cord was wrapped around his neck (which I could also see) and they made me quit pushing in the middle of one. Thankfully, the cord wasn't tight and Cash just slipped through the circle of cord.
He came out, the Dr. sucked him out, and held him upside down and in half for a good little while trying to get him to breath or cough or cry. (That was a scary couple of... seconds, minutes? ...I don't even know how long it was, but it was worrisome). As soon as he breathed though, he found his lungs and he was screaming! The nurses weighed and measured him and my "small baby" ended up weighing 9 pounds, 5 ounces!!! 21 and 1/2 inches long. A BIG BOY! (So glad they induced me) :)
It was so good to finally meet my sweet little boy and see exactly how handsome he really was!
After delivery I was still completely numb and my legs would literally not stay on the bed. It was funny and sad all at the same time. (Also- I did have to have an episiotomy... and he still barely fit! ;) )
Ultimately, labor was not as easy and dreamy as I had hoped (or as it had been with Brogan) but we did it!
40 weeks... and still pregnant
At my final doctors appointment (the day before my actual due date) I was still pregnant, and so ready to be done! I saw Dr. Astin (the one who was with us at our twenty week appointment), and he was convinced that even though the ultra sound showed he was going to be small, this was NOT a small baby. He stripped my membranes and told me to have the baby over the weekend, but we set up a date on Monday morning to be induced. (I think he really just wanted to be the doctor to deliver this baby) ;) So we spent the weekend deep cleaning (I seriously wiped out all of my kitchen cabinets) trying to get me into labor. Nope. Sunday night we took the kids to Aunt Lindy's for a sleep over and spent our last evening waiting for Monday morning. :)
Another Ultra sound
At 38 weeks I was still measuring pretty big, so they decided to do another ultra-sound, just to get an idea of how big this kid might be. The results came back that he was actually measuring a little below average {WHAT?!} We didn't really get to see much of Cash since he was pretty squeezed in there, but at least I was a little comforted in thinking that at least I'm not going to be pushing out a watermelon.
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
My little Rant
*Let me just say, that anytime a doctor/nurse/surgeon/receptionist knows that your baby has a cleft lip, they treat you (as a mom) way differently than with a "normal" pregnancy. They are sweet and caring, very careful with the words they use, and it's like they're all waiting for me to lose it. EVERY different doctor we've seen (because I go to the group where you basically see a new one every time) gives their explanation of how we're formed, why this happened, how common it actually is, how fixable it is.... yatta yatta yatta... all the while, intently searching my face for signs of a mental breakdown. While I do understand that some Mom's probably still do have a hard time accepting it at this point, and providers do need to be cautious of their feelings, I've gotten to a point where it's starting to drive me crazy! When I tell you that my only real concern is that making sure I can feed him, THAT is my only real concern... like, for real.
Okay- rant over :)
Okay- rant over :)
October 18th Ultrasound
Since my fluid was high at the Boise ultrasound, and I was still measuring two weeks bigger than normal at my last OB appointment, they decided to do one more ultrasound, just to check things out. Everything was great, fluid levels normal (on the higher end, but normal) and we were back to business as usual... a stubborn little boy wouldn't take his hand away from his face! Even though we didn't see anything new, we did get to see our adorable little baby (who actually looks like a baby, and not an alien!:) With his perfect little nose (that looks just like his brother and sister's), chubby little cheeks, and the cutest little chin ever, I was just beyond excited to get another chance to see him. Can't wait to finally meet you baby Cash!!
What's in a name?
It can be HARD to pick out a name for a baby. After all- this kid will be stuck with this name (and all the nicknames that might attach to it) for the rest of his life! We had already picked out Addison and Brogan's names long before they were even planned, but with baby #3 we were totally starting from scratch. We went through and it seemed I had picked out a new name every week, but finally we narrowed it down to a few different names, which included Mason, Connor, Colton, and Grayson. (BTW- if you asked Addison what she wanted to name our baby boy, her reply was Cindy...) The only problem is that we couldn't really find any middle names that worked with these names, AND Stewart and I couldn't agree on annnything together.
Somehow, the name Cash was brought about and we both kind of liked it. Then we added a middle name, Wallace- which is Stewart's Dad's name. (Stewart really wanted to name one of our babies Wally- and while I don't mind the name, I just can't quite picture myself holding a little "baby Wally"). We finally agreed that "Cash Wallace" has a pretty great little ring to it, and while it's a pretty strong name, it's not too "heavy". Before we really decided that he was going to be Cash Wallace, the kids did for us. We asked them what they thought about it, and ever since they've been talking to "baby Cash" inside my belly. So baby Cash, you dodged a bullet... we won't name you Cindy :)
Monday, October 28, 2013
Genetic Specialist/Counselor
Our appointment day with the Genetic specialist had finally arrived. We made the drive to Boise and waited to meet with the nurse who would be doing our ultrasound. It was a good thing she was pretty cool, because we spent the next two and a half hours with her while she took pictures of our baby! At first it was business as usual... our baby boy was shy and hiding. His little hand didn't move from his face, and he kicked away at the ultrasound stick. After he finally got used to all the poking and prodding he sort of gave in and cooperated. We were able to see that he had a bi-lateral cleft lip, and although they couldn't tell how extensive, it did look like the cleft continued into the pallet of his mouth.
The rest of the ultrasound appointment consisted of checking literally, every. little. part. of our baby. They told us that sometimes when there is a cleft lip it can also be a sign of other problems that are harder to spot (genetic disorders type things). They checked to make sure he opened and closed his hands normally, that his feet weren't rounded (like a rocking chair on the bottom), and that his brain and other organs looked to be normal. Everything they looked at checked out just fine. Even though lying on your back, having someone push around on your little baby inside your belly for two hours isn't exactly enjoyable, I enjoyed the appointment very much. It was so neat to be able to really watch him do his thing. At a 20 week ultrasound you get maybe 10 minutes where it's like you get to look through a window and see your baby for real. Let me tell you it was pretty stinkin cool to be able to look through that window for over two hours!
The only other concern at this appointment had to deal with the amount of amniotic fluid I had surrounding the baby. Instead of measuring normal for 26 weeks, I was measuring closer to 30 weeks. They decided this was probably because with the cleft lip it was harder for baby to suck in the fluid (they recycle it through their body). Instead of taking a gulp (like with a sealed lip), it just wasn't getting sucked in like normal. When there's too much fluid they worry about pre-term labor (because my body could think I'm further along than I really am). (On the flip side with too much fluid my body could do the exact opposite and never start itself into labor... even after 40 weeks). This was just something to keep our eye on (and also- the reason I was SO BIG, SO EARLY!)
After meeting briefly with the doctor, we met with a genetic counselor who drew up Stewart and I's genetic history. It was quite the little art demonstration. We gave her our complete family's history for everything under the sun. They mostly just checked to make sure there weren't any obvious genetic disorders in our families that could be linked to a cleft lip. (We're good). Besides lots of high blood pressure our families we are pretty boring (and when at a doctor's office, they always tell me boring is good).
The counselor gave us some good information and websites to look into if we wanted more information (seriously... don't google it, use the resources... a world of difference!) The only other thing she really brought to our attention were some of the possibilities, some of which had never even crossed my mind. If we were dealing with a pallet issue there would be other factors to take into consideration. In a cleft pallet the the top of the mouth is not completely sealed off, so it's open to the nasal cavity, sinuses, and all that other stuff that's up there. That poses obvious feeding issues, but can also affect hearing, and how susceptible he is to getting infection. Also if in the pallet, there is a chance of it disturbing the regular growth of teeth and gums. Of course there's a whole wide spectrum ranging from normal teeth growth, to never getting any teeth in the front. All these types of things are things you don't really think about being affected (at least I didn't). Basically if the pallet is involved, it will take more than one or two surgeries to fix things. He could be having surgeries well into his teenage years. BUT- that's part of this adventure- not knowing and not worrying about the unknown! We'll cross those bridges when we get there. It was good however, just to have an idea of possible outcomes.
After that appointment we went out and splurged on lunch at Joe's Crab Shack (I just can't get enough fish), then headed to the Boise Temple. It was the first time I'd been to the Boise Temple, and also the first time I'd seen the new temple video. Holy Moly- I couldn't believe how much more emotion was in it. I wasn't sure if it was because of this whole experience I was going through, or the new video, but I felt so much love and admiration for Eve. I looked at things in different ways and was really overcome with new understanding and emotion. At the veil, the words I spoke rang so vital and reassuring to me, I almost couldn't get through it. It was a small session, and I was the last person to leave so all the workers watched me as I completely lost it. I literally had to stop and just sob out the words. Poor Stewart. I have to just wonder if he waits for me on the couch in the Celestial Room, terrified of what emotional state his wife is coming to meet him in... HAHA! I think he wasn't quite sure how to react to his mess of a wife, but as always he just smiled and hugged me and didn't ask why I couldn't control my boogers and tears. He's such a stud. :)
The rest of the ultrasound appointment consisted of checking literally, every. little. part. of our baby. They told us that sometimes when there is a cleft lip it can also be a sign of other problems that are harder to spot (genetic disorders type things). They checked to make sure he opened and closed his hands normally, that his feet weren't rounded (like a rocking chair on the bottom), and that his brain and other organs looked to be normal. Everything they looked at checked out just fine. Even though lying on your back, having someone push around on your little baby inside your belly for two hours isn't exactly enjoyable, I enjoyed the appointment very much. It was so neat to be able to really watch him do his thing. At a 20 week ultrasound you get maybe 10 minutes where it's like you get to look through a window and see your baby for real. Let me tell you it was pretty stinkin cool to be able to look through that window for over two hours!
The only other concern at this appointment had to deal with the amount of amniotic fluid I had surrounding the baby. Instead of measuring normal for 26 weeks, I was measuring closer to 30 weeks. They decided this was probably because with the cleft lip it was harder for baby to suck in the fluid (they recycle it through their body). Instead of taking a gulp (like with a sealed lip), it just wasn't getting sucked in like normal. When there's too much fluid they worry about pre-term labor (because my body could think I'm further along than I really am). (On the flip side with too much fluid my body could do the exact opposite and never start itself into labor... even after 40 weeks). This was just something to keep our eye on (and also- the reason I was SO BIG, SO EARLY!)
After meeting briefly with the doctor, we met with a genetic counselor who drew up Stewart and I's genetic history. It was quite the little art demonstration. We gave her our complete family's history for everything under the sun. They mostly just checked to make sure there weren't any obvious genetic disorders in our families that could be linked to a cleft lip. (We're good). Besides lots of high blood pressure our families we are pretty boring (and when at a doctor's office, they always tell me boring is good).
The counselor gave us some good information and websites to look into if we wanted more information (seriously... don't google it, use the resources... a world of difference!) The only other thing she really brought to our attention were some of the possibilities, some of which had never even crossed my mind. If we were dealing with a pallet issue there would be other factors to take into consideration. In a cleft pallet the the top of the mouth is not completely sealed off, so it's open to the nasal cavity, sinuses, and all that other stuff that's up there. That poses obvious feeding issues, but can also affect hearing, and how susceptible he is to getting infection. Also if in the pallet, there is a chance of it disturbing the regular growth of teeth and gums. Of course there's a whole wide spectrum ranging from normal teeth growth, to never getting any teeth in the front. All these types of things are things you don't really think about being affected (at least I didn't). Basically if the pallet is involved, it will take more than one or two surgeries to fix things. He could be having surgeries well into his teenage years. BUT- that's part of this adventure- not knowing and not worrying about the unknown! We'll cross those bridges when we get there. It was good however, just to have an idea of possible outcomes.
After that appointment we went out and splurged on lunch at Joe's Crab Shack (I just can't get enough fish), then headed to the Boise Temple. It was the first time I'd been to the Boise Temple, and also the first time I'd seen the new temple video. Holy Moly- I couldn't believe how much more emotion was in it. I wasn't sure if it was because of this whole experience I was going through, or the new video, but I felt so much love and admiration for Eve. I looked at things in different ways and was really overcome with new understanding and emotion. At the veil, the words I spoke rang so vital and reassuring to me, I almost couldn't get through it. It was a small session, and I was the last person to leave so all the workers watched me as I completely lost it. I literally had to stop and just sob out the words. Poor Stewart. I have to just wonder if he waits for me on the couch in the Celestial Room, terrified of what emotional state his wife is coming to meet him in... HAHA! I think he wasn't quite sure how to react to his mess of a wife, but as always he just smiled and hugged me and didn't ask why I couldn't control my boogers and tears. He's such a stud. :)
Preparing to meet with a specialist
The next step in our adventure was to meet with a genetic specialist and counselor. Boise has the closest one, so we made an appointment. Basically we were going to get a better look at the baby, make sure everything else was normal, and meet with a counselor. I was pretty nervous to go. Even though I thought I had a pretty good handle on the situation, I still broke down occasionally, and found it was best just not to think of it if possible.
My parents could tell I was still uneasy, so my dad offered to give me another blessing. As he laid his hands on my head, he spoke the most comforting and reassuring words I have ever heard. All of the thoughts and fears I had been trying to beat down and silence on my own seemed to melt away instantaneously. It was like I was being wrapped up in a huge, warm blanket. I felt the most real and direct comfort from my Father in Heaven, and also I felt a strange peace from within- like my little guy was trying to nudge me and tell me that everything was going to be okay. Some of the distinct and most comforting words of the blessing reminded me that this baby chose me as a mother and that he and I were both prepared to handle this, and we would do it together. I also felt reassured that there would be overwhelming support from those around me, that they loved me and would help me through this. As the tears streamed down my face, so did all my worry and doubt. For the first time I felt the most complete peace and comfort. From that point on I have stopped questioning and worrying, and have instead embraced this challenge and seen the direct effect it has, and will continue to have on growing my testimony.
My parents could tell I was still uneasy, so my dad offered to give me another blessing. As he laid his hands on my head, he spoke the most comforting and reassuring words I have ever heard. All of the thoughts and fears I had been trying to beat down and silence on my own seemed to melt away instantaneously. It was like I was being wrapped up in a huge, warm blanket. I felt the most real and direct comfort from my Father in Heaven, and also I felt a strange peace from within- like my little guy was trying to nudge me and tell me that everything was going to be okay. Some of the distinct and most comforting words of the blessing reminded me that this baby chose me as a mother and that he and I were both prepared to handle this, and we would do it together. I also felt reassured that there would be overwhelming support from those around me, that they loved me and would help me through this. As the tears streamed down my face, so did all my worry and doubt. For the first time I felt the most complete peace and comfort. From that point on I have stopped questioning and worrying, and have instead embraced this challenge and seen the direct effect it has, and will continue to have on growing my testimony.
Twenty Week Appointment
The 20 week appointment always seems to be the funnest appointment. Not only are you half way to the end, you get to find out if it's a girl or boy! I'm a firm believer in being as prepared as possible, so we always choose to know as soon as we can :)
This time Mom and Addison thought it was a girl. Brogan and dad said boy. And... the BOYS have it! Poor Addison wanted a little sister so bad. She kept saying, "maybe it will just be a girl". At some point in time she has come to acknowledge that she will be getting a new little brother, and he will be pretty cool :)
As we got to the doctor's office, kids in tow (of course WITH the kids we are always running a little late), we met my Mom and JoAnna. We were all SO thrilled to find out what we were having, no one wanted to miss out! As we checked in (with our obvious entourage), they said- "Do you think you are having an ultrasound today? We don't have you scheduled for one..." My disappointment must've been so obvious as I said, "Yes- we scheduled an ultrasound for twenty weeks...that's today". Instead of turning me away, they made us wait for FOREVER to squeeze us in. We probably waited for 45 minutes (WITH KIDS!!!) in the waiting room. (Kill me now). But around 4:45 we snuck in to do a quick look see at what we were having.
Within the first minute, without the nurse saying a word, I could see (quite obviously) that it was a boy. (Even though it took Stewart a LONG time to finally see it!) I was a little disappointed, as I was sure it was going to be a girl (hey- I was right with the other two). After getting over my initial shock (and the little bit of let down) I did get a little excited as we started talking about the boy names we were sure we weren't going to need (honestly all our boy names were way better than our girl names anyway). Time ticked on and it seemed like our "allotted" time should have been up by now, but the nurse kept taking pictures and clicking buttons- not saying much. As she continued to look and look I could tell something wasn't quite right. She left and the doctor came in not much longer and told me he wanted to look at baby for himself. (Usually when the doctor comes in he just gives you a quick run down and dismisses you... so this was strange). As I lay there knowing something wasn't right, I started to worry and look for anything in the ultrasound out of the ordinary. (At this point the kids had totally lost interest and were climbing the walls... just BTW).
When the doctor finished up he told us that we were indeed having a little boy- and that he looked to be healthy, however, it was obvious that he was going to have some form of a cleft lip, and possibly a cleft into the pallet. Little baby was not as cooperative as we would have liked, and held his little hand up against his face through the whole ultrasound so we couldn't quite see how extensive it might be, but it was there.
As he explained that when we are formed, we start out flat and our "seams" meet up in the middle of our body, and above the upper lip is where everything kind of comes together. They spent so much time looking at the baby to make sure that every other part of that "seam" had sealed up, which it had. So now we would need to see a specialist in Boise just to double check and make plans from there. He told us that this is pretty common, is 100% correctable, and that doctors do a great job making it look un-noticeable. He also mentioned a few actors he thought may have had it, and that his brother had one, and that people who have these go on living normal lives, doing anything they dream of doing (so an acting career isn't out) ;)
As his words were sinking in, I really did try to be strong and think- "good- just a little physical defect, he's healthy", which gave me some comfort, but my heart still sank. No mother wants to hear that their sweet unborn child is going to have to be different, in any way. Nonetheless, to think about what this little boy will have to go through to get there. I thought- how do I take care of a baby that might not be able to eat normal? How do I take my three month old baby to have surgery? How am I, as his mother, going to do all of this and be able to handle it? When the doctor left I cried. I just couldn't hold it back. I was so glad to have my own mom there in the room with me. It was nice to have someone who could comprehend my feelings and emotions, as a mother. Eventually we got it all under control and our "squeeze us in" appointment resulted in us being the last ones out of the place.
After the doctors appointment Stewart and I had planned on going to Burley to help some people clip their calves for the fair, and my mom planned on taking the kids home with her. It worked out well to have a little one on one time with Stewart so we could talk and think and cry (he didn't cry...) without worrying the kids. Stewart wasn't precisely sure what a cleft lip looked like, and all I could picture was the little Asian babies you see on commercials with haneous looking cleft lip problems. So we googled it. When you type in "images of cleft lip" google hands you a pretty wide variety of cleft lip (and pallet) problems. Basically it gave us an idea, but not any real comfort. Stewart was pretty strong and unaffected throughout the whole drive (he has been through this whole thing) and only tried to reassure me that this is such a small thing, we're lucky to have a healthy boy. Of course he was right, and I was so grateful, but my natural man had taken over my mind. I could only think of how difficult it might be to feed him and take care of him after surgery, and also how difficult it might be to explain it to people (especially my own kids).
When we got to the fair Stewart started helping with the calves, but I was not in an emotional state to be with people one on one, so I bought myself a snow-cone and watched the sheep show. It helped take my mind off things for awhile, but every time I saw a little baby I just couldn't help but wonder how much harder this was going to be than my other babies.
That night I just couldn't shake the worry of the unknown, and even though I really tried to be optimistic- I just cried. A lot. Stewart and my Dad gave me a Priesthood blessing, and it did help calm me, but the worry had not left my mind. On top of that, I felt horrible for not being more excited that our baby boy was ultimately healthy and fine! I did manage to overcome this struggling feeling, but it took some time, lots of prayers, blessings, and trips to the temple to do.
Sunday, October 27, 2013
Time for Baby #3?
Around February, Stewart and I had started talking about when we might start trying for baby #3. Since Addison and Brogan were only 14 months apart (everyone thought we were crazy), we didn't want to rush into anything too soon, but Brogan was turning two in March and we didn't want too huge of a gap between kids #2 and #3. One day Grandpa Jensen invited us to go to the temple with him. Since we hadn't gone in awhile we felt like we probably should go. Almost immediately after I had settled into the session I got the impression that someone was there with me. I hoped it was the name I was going through for, but it didn't quite feel like it. As the session went on I got the distinct impression that it was time to have our next child. I kept trying to shake this thought- we weren't planning on trying till winter- I wanted to do a triathlon in June - I had just got my best body back, I wasn't quite ready to give it up again- this was all in my head. The more I argued with this thought the stronger it became. At one point in the session I couldn't stop the tears from coming, and I was overwhelmed by this spirit that was so obviously there with me, letting me know that he or she was ready and waiting to come join us. I was so distracted through the rest of the session, and could barely remember what I was supposed to be doing. As I met Stewart in the celestial room, I sat on the couch next to him. He could tell that I was emotional and squeezed my hand. I immediately broke down sobbing and whimpered, "We have to have another baby- now". He just shook his head yes (and kind of gave me a teasing smile- like he was holding back making fun of me just a little) (which- when he re-tells this story he does tease me about that).
Someone was indeed waiting, as we found out we were pregnant the next month! Never before have I had an experience quite like this one- such a clear, sweet nudge, telling me exactly what to do. It was a real testimony builder to me that the veil really is thin, and that we can be prompted in huge ways sometimes! I'm so grateful for the little guy who's coming to meet us in December. I know he is a special little soul and will continue to test me, as a mother, to show my purest love and my ability to listen to promptings. I just can't wait to meet you little guy!
Someone was indeed waiting, as we found out we were pregnant the next month! Never before have I had an experience quite like this one- such a clear, sweet nudge, telling me exactly what to do. It was a real testimony builder to me that the veil really is thin, and that we can be prompted in huge ways sometimes! I'm so grateful for the little guy who's coming to meet us in December. I know he is a special little soul and will continue to test me, as a mother, to show my purest love and my ability to listen to promptings. I just can't wait to meet you little guy!
This Blog is for You
I'm starting this blog for my little baby boy who's due to arrive in just five short weeks. Cash, as you look back on this blog I hope you will be able to feel our love for you, laugh at yourself, and have a peek into your childhood through your Mom's eyes. You are not even here yet, but I already love you so much! I hope that I can always be the Mother that you deserve.
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