It's taken me a long time to be able to be okay enough to sit down and write the next part of our story. I miss Cash every day, and the more I think about him the harder it is for me to go on like life is normal. As terrible as it sounds and sometimes feels, it's easier to not think of Cash and the fact that he's not with us. It's easier to save those moments for when I'm alone and can sob in the comfort of my own lonely shower. As hard as it still is, I know I need to express all of my feelings, thoughts, and all the special things that happened, not only for me, but for my kids.
After we left Cash with the transplant team, we were escorted to the surgery waiting room where we removed our scrubs. It was so ironic that we were taken to this room. It seemed so familiar since we'd been here twice before to take our baby into surgery. How I longed for this to be nothing more than another surgery.
Our parents joined us here and we all cried together. There was nothing really special here (I think they just wanted us to have a place to compose ourselves) but I wanted to get back to my kids. They took us back to our family who was waiting in Cash's ICU room. All I can remember is sitting there feeling hollow and numb while everyone around us picked up our things, packed up bags and food and got ready to leave. It was like I was sitting in slow motion and everyone else was buzzing around with a life full of purpose. Pretty soon we were walking out of the hospital doors and into the parking lot. It was early morning and the sun was starting to come up. What a hollow feeling I had leaving the hospital. I was missing a huge part of me. He was back there, in the hospital somewhere. Since it was an accidental death, the coroner had to do a full report. Cash's body would be picked up later by someone from Farnsworth Funeral home and taken to Jerome.
*As a Sidenote* As soon as we determined that Cash was not going to make it we started thinking about funeral arrangements. Since both of our Father's are bishops they have a pretty close connection with the Funeral home directors around the Magic Valley. My dad is also very close friends with the Farnsworth family. When talk of a funeral first surfaced I honestly didn't care. I told him just to do it through the funeral home in Gooding, and to keep it simple. My Dad and Wally made some calls and priced things out. Honestly I couldn't have cared less about the cost, but our Dad's were watching out for us. When my Dad talked to Farnsworths, they were heartbroken, and offered to do the funeral at cost, with no extra expenses. In the long run they have done so much for us that goes above and beyond what I could have imagined. **
Stewart's brother Rick offered to drive us home from the hospital. Stewart, the kids and I loaded up into his suburban. I don't remember much except snuggling to sleep with the kids on the way home. The kids and I slept all the way home. I woke up as we pulled up to the house and a totally new hard hit me in the face. How could I go into this house and live like everything was normal? As I walked up the front steps I saw that someone had come by and put hearts all over our front door with kind sayings and uplifting messages. The house had been cleaned. The laundry that had previously littered the floor in real life fashion had not only been picked up and washed, but also folded and put away. There were more hearts inside the house, and everything was so clean that it didn't even feel like our house. Looking back I think that probably helped. After looking around for a minute I remember just collapsing into my mom's arms and sobbing. There was no way I was going to get things together, I just knew it. This wasn't something I was meant to endure. God only gives you the things you can handle, but this- this was not something I was going to be able to handle. I went straight to my bed and cried myself to sleep. My Mom and Dad took our kids home and Stewart and I huddled together under our covers, me crying and he trying to console me. I don't remember how long we slept, but when I woke up I felt so miserable. Like waking up from a bad nap, when you sleep too long and your body aches. I didn't want to be in our house anymore. I didn't want to be anywhere really. Everywhere just felt so lonely and empty. The thought flashed across my mind, "the temple". I had felt Cash's presence in the temple before, and I knew that was the closest I could be to him, and at that moment, he was all I wanted. We called our parents and I called Jaime and we went to the temple together.
I was still feeling so much guilt for not protecting my sweet, entrusted baby. It was a constant crushing feeling that my mind kept nagging back to. "This was my fault" "this could have never happened if only" "why didn't I do this or that". I kept all of these thoughts to myself, but they were eating me alive. As we got into the temple, it was obvious that I was a mess. I bawled and sobbed through the whole session. In that session, it hit me, so hard it almost knocked the wind out of me, that all of these guilty thoughts I kept thinking were Satan. He was using this to try and get to me and I couldn't let that happen. I had to be stronger than him, and almost vocally command him to leave! It seems to be such a small part of what we learn in the temple, but it will forever hold a place in my heart, to remember that Satan will try to appeal to us at first, but as soon as we give him a second thought, he will beat us when we're down. Since that moment in the temple when I realized that I have to actively recognize Satan, I do my best to send him away before I start beating myself up with negative thoughts. Each time I return to the temple it strengthens my testimony of being stronger than the adversary, and not even giving him so much as a heel to drag me down with.
In the temple we pray for people who are in need of special blessings. While I know our names were on the prayer roll in multiple temples, and surely in the Twin Falls temple, it struck me that the Temple Patron prayed specifically for the members in our session that needed extra comfort and protection. I remember when those words were spoken feeling like everyone around us knew us, knew our situation, loved us, and put their arms around us. I felt that Heavenly Father was trying to touch me directly and say, "It's okay. I've got you. Everything will be alright."
At the end of our session as we sat in the Celestial room with our parents and Steve and Jaime, I felt a little uplifted and close to Heaven. I was still sad, and the tears never seemed to let up, but so many good thoughts, feelings and words were shared in that Heavenly room. I'll never forget something my Dad shared with me then. He sat next to me and put his arm around me. He told me that Stewart and I had a real opportunity here that not many people get to experience. He understood that the feelings we were feeling, the loss and longing we were experiencing were not really pain, as we interpreted them. He told us we were able to experience the pure love of Christ. We were experiencing the love that Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father have for us. They feel this same longing and love for us, so strongly it feels as if it hurts. And although we were missing Cash and we would continue to miss him, we were experiencing a love so deep, it was comparable to that that our Heavenly Father has for us. Whenever I think that life isn't fair and that the hurt I feel is too great to endure, I try to remember this important experience I had in the temple, when my wise Father connected me more fully to my Savior and Heavenly Father. It really has made me see and feel the love they have for me. I won't ever forget this experience. I've always had a faith that my Heavenly Father and Savior Jesus Christ love me, but at that moment, I was able to fully understand and feel that pure love. A love so deep it can hurt.
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